"Protect your peace." "Cut out the toxic people." "Live your best life." If you've spent any time on social media lately, you've probably seen these messages paired with stories of someone going no contact with a parent, sibling, or old friend. The posts are often celebrated with hearts and comments like, "So proud of you for choosing yourself."

I understand the appeal. When relationships feel painful, walking away can feel like freedom. But as a therapist and a mother, I've started to notice a troubling pattern in my private practice. Many of the cutoffs I hear about aren't truly protecting anyone's peace. They're avoiding the discomfort of conflict, and they often leave deep wounds on both sides.

So let's talk honestly about this trend: what healthy boundaries really are, when minimizing contact may truly be wise, and how we can teach our kids to work through conflict so that estrangement doesn't become our family's legacy.

The Rise of Cutoffs Labeled as Boundaries

More and more adults, especially millennials and younger generations, are cutting off parents, siblings, and friends and describing it as self-care. Sometimes that's true. But often, it's something else: conflict avoidance, unrealistic expectations, or a missing set of skills for repair.

Many of us are what I'd call almost communication-handicapped. It doesn't even cross our minds that we might be part of the problem. We genuinely believe it's entirely the other person. And because we've never learned how to repair after conflict, cutting someone off can feel like the only option.

I'll be honest with you. There is one relationship in my own life where I've chosen to go no contact for a while. But I didn't make that decision until it was abundantly clear that my boundaries weren't going to be respected, after a pattern of inappropriate behavior that went on much longer than it should have. Even now, I continually reassess that choice, because I don't want it to become a weapon. And I don't want my children to learn to do the same to me one day.

That's the heart of this conversation. As I said on the podcast, "A true boundary protects a relationship. A cutoff often tends to avoid discomfort."

Here's something I see again and again. One person says, "I told them what was wrong." Then when you talk to the other person, they say, "I had no idea that was bothering them." It may be crystal clear in your mind, but is it clear to them? If this happens in more than one relationship, it may be a pattern worth exploring.

Brené Brown puts it simply: "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind."

When Minimizing Contact May Be Wise

I want to be careful here, because there are real situations where limiting or ending contact is necessary. These may include:

• Ongoing abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional.

• Active addiction with harmful or dangerous behavior, especially when it puts your children at risk. If you've set boundaries about a family member driving your kids while under the influence and they've ignored them, protecting your children comes first.

• Persistent manipulation after genuine, repeated attempts to repair.

Emotional abuse deserves a thoughtful word. It's very real, and it's also a label that gets used for experiences that, when we look closer, fall more within the range of normal human struggles: difficult conversations, poor communication, and trouble maintaining boundaries. It's important to ask honestly how much of the problem belongs to the other person and how much belongs to you. If you can't acknowledge your side, the conversation won't go anywhere productive.

Even with family members who may struggle with a personality disorder or a serious mental illness, less contact or structured contact often works better than a total cutoff. Structured contact might look like communicating through email so there's a record, or connecting through one trusted person for a season. These relationships can be hard, but the people in them are often craving safety and security too. When we cut them off completely, neither side learns how to navigate the relationship.

In the vast majority of cases I see, a cutoff isn't the healthiest answer. And I know some of you are thinking, "If you knew my situation, you'd agree with me." Maybe. So let's walk through some questions together.

Questions to Ask Before You Go No Contact

Before deciding to cut someone off, consider these questions honestly:

Have I clearly and calmly told them what hurt, and given them a real chance to respond? Not a hint, not a vague comment, not a social media post, but a clear conversation.

What part of this is mine? Be honest here. What can you take ownership for?

Am I expecting them to be someone they've never been? Sometimes our pain comes from expectations that were never realistic.

Picture your funeral. Who do you want there? What do you want said about you? Would you regret it if someone wasn't there because you held a grudge instead of working through something?

What pattern am I teaching my kids? Children learn how to handle conflict by watching us. Could they one day do the same thing to you?

Will I have regrets? Look ahead five, ten, or twenty years and be honest with yourself.

These questions aren't meant to shame anyone. They're meant to help you make a wise decision rather than a reactive one.

When Your Child Cuts You Off

Recently, I've been working with a client whose young adult son cut off her and the entire family. From everything we've explored together, it doesn't appear to be a wise or necessary decision. It looks much more like conflict avoidance. Newly independent adults often haven't learned the skills to work through hard things yet, and it can be easy to stay stuck in pride or victimhood rather than take ownership. Honestly, many of us who are older get stuck there too.

She's a loving mother, and it has been months since she's heard from him. Her pain is profound.

She shared a book with me that you may find helpful if this topic resonates with you. It's by Dr. Vivian King, published under a bleeped-out title and also known as Forget Them Kids. It was written for parents who've been cut off by their adult children, and it pushes back on a popular narrative that always blames the parent. It also addresses how online spaces can encourage severing ties and rejecting accountability. The book is written for parents who did their best with the knowledge and resources they had, not for parents who were truly abusive, and it focuses on helping parents let go of guilt and build a joyful life that doesn't depend on reconciliation. My client felt deeply relieved reading it, like someone finally understood her.

Social media plays a big role in this trend. It often rewards victimhood and justification instead of repair. But our best lessons in life frequently come from working through challenges with our families, as hard as those lessons can be.

What's in Your Control, and What Isn't

When someone has cut you off, one of the most helpful things you can do is separate what you can control from what you can't.

What's in your control:

• Owning your side of the conflict

• Your words and your tone

• Offering a sincere apology

• Leaving the door open

• Your own healing and growth

What isn't in your control:

• Their timeline

• The story they tell about you, even if it doesn't match your reality

• Whether or when reconciliation happens

Ideally, reconciliation will come, and in many cases, it eventually does. But since you can't control it, the focus shifts to what you can do. That means grounding yourself, managing your own triggers, practicing acceptance, seeking counseling if you need it, and choosing to live without regret.

It also means patience for their processing. Try to have empathy for them, even when it's hard. I've been in that situation, and it's painful to be misunderstood and pushed away when all you want is to work things through.

Healthy boundaries matter here too. As I shared on the podcast, "Boundaries are not about what you expect other people to do, but it's what you're going to do to stay grounded." For example, if my son is yelling at me, I might say, "If you yell at me again, I'm going to take a drive around the neighborhood until I can calm down." The boundary is about my action, not about controlling him.​

Taking an Honest Look at Ourselves

I invite you to reflect honestly for a moment. Where might your pride, or even past cutoffs in your own life, have planted seeds? Maybe you stopped speaking to an aunt, a friend, or a sibling years ago. What have your kids learned from watching that?

This isn't about blame. It's about awareness. If you struggle with conflict, you can start with small steps. If a face-to-face conversation feels impossible right now, try a video call, a voice message, or a thoughtful text. Don't let those tools become a crutch, but let them help you move toward the goal of working through conflict in person.

And please keep your expectations realistic. It's rare that someone changes after hearing about a problem once. That doesn't even work in our marriages. Healthy relationships require practice: sharing your wants, needs, and boundaries, and then maintaining them over time.

Teaching Your Kids Healthy Conflict Resolution Now

After working with my client and reading about this topic, my husband and I decided to have a conversation with our own kids about the future, when they're grown and living on their own. We reassured them that we will always be willing to listen. We told them that sometimes we won't be at our best. Something might trigger us, and we might not respond the way we want to. But we promised that we will always come back, own our part, validate their feelings, and reassure them of our love.

We also told them we'll do our best to offer sincere apologies, keep the door open, and do our own healing so we can recover from any conflict. On the podcast, I said, "Conflict is such a normal part of family life, and it's the best place to learn how to work through these things."

Here are a few ways to teach healthy conflict resolution at home:

Use a repair framework. I use an acronym I created called FEARS, based on the Gottman Method's approach to processing a hard moment. It walks through sharing your feelings, describing your experience, naming what activated you, taking responsibility for your part, and creating a plan together. Practice it with your kids regularly.

Let them see you repair. When you work through conflict with your spouse, a friend, or a family member, let your kids see it. You don't need to share every detail, but you can tell them it was hard and also rewarding.

Listen, validate, and reassure. When your child is upset with you, listen to understand, acknowledge what makes sense about their feelings, and remind them that your relationship is safe.

If we don't model healthy conflict resolution, our children may learn that a cutoff is the easier option. And none of us want that.

Therapist and author Esther Perel often says, "The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life." That's worth remembering when walking away feels easier than working it out.

Your Next Step

This week, have a conversation with your kids about what you'll do as a family if someone feels angry, frustrated, or unheard. Talk about how you'll work through it together. Then look for chances to model repair in your everyday life.

And if you're considering cutting someone off, or you already have, take an honest inventory. Ask the hard questions. Be careful about what you take in from social media, and even from AI tools that may simply reinforce what you already believe.

The Long Table

When I picture "living my best life," I no longer imagine a curated feed of peace and solitude. I picture a long table, years from now, crowded with grown children, their spouses, grandkids, and yes, a few relatives who still test my patience. The conversation isn't perfect. Someone probably says something that stings. But everyone is there, because somewhere along the way, we learned how to stay.

That table isn't built by avoiding every hard conversation. It's built one repair at a time, with apologies offered, boundaries held kindly, and doors left open. Protecting your peace matters. But sometimes the most peaceful thing we can do is stay in the room long enough to work it out, and teach our children to do the same.

Listen to Episodes 364 & 365 of Fulfillment Therapy wherever you get your podcasts. Visit fulfillmenttherapy.org for courses, coaching, and community support. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram @fulfillmenttherapy — we'd love to connect with you there.

*Listen to our podcast episodes 364/Beating Fall Burnout and Seasonal Depression: What Are Your Warning Signs Telling You? and 365/"It's Not a Boundary, It's Avoidance": Are We Cutting Off Family Instead of Working Things Out?

Connect with Kendra:🤗

ALL LINKS → https://linktr.ee/fulfillmenttherapy 

Website → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org

Contact → hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org

Instagram → @fulfillmenttherapy 

Facebook Community → http://bit.ly/fulfillmenttherapy 

Facebook Group → Private FB Group 

Schedule 1:1 Coaching → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org/1-on-1-coaching 

Chat → 1-986-910-5172 *text questions & topic requests