How Toxic Friendships Affect Your Faith, Marriage, and Mental Health
As parents, we're often so focused on our children's relationships that we forget to nurture our own. But here's the truth: the quality of our friendships can significantly impact our energy levels, our outlook on life, and even our parenting. Today, let's talk about a challenging but crucial aspect of adult friendships – recognizing when it's time to let go of relationships that no longer serve us.
I recently had an eye-opening experience that made me reflect on this topic. It was a typical Tuesday morning, and I was rushing to get the kids ready for school. As I was packing lunches, I received a text from an old friend. Instantly, I felt a knot in my stomach. Why? Because over the past year, our once-vibrant friendship had become a source of stress and anxiety. This got me thinking about the nature of friendships and how they evolve as we grow and change.
The Evolution of Friendships
Friendships, like any relationship, go through phases. Some friendships stand the test of time, growing stronger with each passing year. Others, however, may reach a point where they no longer align with our values, goals, or the person we're becoming. As parents striving for fulfillment and personal growth, it's crucial to recognize when a friendship might be holding us back rather than propelling us forward.
Dr. Kendra Nielsen, in her podcast "Fulfillment Therapy," shares a personal story that many of us can relate to. She says,
"I had a best friend for years. And I thought that we'd always be close. Like, I saw her multiple times a day, often. We'd work out together early in the morning. We'd go back and forth to each other's houses. We'd be texting throughout the day. It was just that beautiful relationship where you had so much fun."
This description likely resonates with many of us. We've all had those friendships that felt effortless and enriching. But what happens when these friendships start to change?
Recognizing the Signs of a Toxic Friendship
As parents, our time and energy are precious commodities. We need to invest them wisely, not just for our sake but for our families as well. So how can we tell if a friendship is becoming toxic? Dr. Nielsen provides a quick assessment to help us evaluate our friendships:
After spending time with this friend, do you feel energized or exhausted?
Does your friend celebrate your successes, or do they seem to downplay or ignore them?
Is there a balance in how much you give and receive in the friendship?
Does your friend respect your boundaries and your values?
Do you feel safe sharing your thoughts and feelings with this person?
If you find yourself answering negatively to most of these questions, it might be time to reassess the friendship. Remember, a healthy friendship should uplift and support you, not drain your energy or make you question your worth.
The Impact of Toxic Friendships on Our Lives
As parents, we often underestimate the ripple effect that our friendships can have on our families. Dr. Nielsen points out,
"I noticed that my relationship with my husband wasn't as strong as I went to her to talk through things. My husband became less of my person in many ways. And I noticed that as she was going through a faith crisis, it was affecting my own in ways I didn't even recognize."
This insight is crucial. Toxic friendships don't just affect us individually; they can impact our marriages, our parenting, and even our faith or personal beliefs. As we strive to create a positive, nurturing environment for our children, we need to be mindful of the influences we allow into our lives.
The Challenges of Letting Go
Ending a friendship, especially a long-standing one, is never easy. Many of us struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, or misplaced loyalty. Dr. Nielsen describes this as "complicated grief," explaining,
"That complicated grief happens when the normal grieving process is interrupted due to that complex nature of the relationship we're grieving."
It's important to acknowledge these feelings. They're valid and part of the process. However, we shouldn't let them prevent us from making decisions that are ultimately in our best interest and the interest of our families.
Steps Towards Healing and Moving Forward
If you've recognized that it might be time to let go of a toxic friendship, here are some steps you can take:
Acknowledge your feelings: It's okay to feel grief, anger, confusion, or sadness. These emotions are valid and part of the healing process.
Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you'd offer a close friend going through a similar situation.
Set clear boundaries: Determine what you will and won't accept in your relationships. This is crucial for your mental health and overall well-being.
Seek support: Don't go through this alone. Reach out to family members, trusted friends, or a therapist for support and guidance.
Focus on self-care: Engage in activities that bring you peace and joy. This is especially important during times of emotional stress.
Reframe the narrative: Instead of viewing the end of the friendship as a failure, see it as an act of self-respect and personal growth.
As you navigate this process, remember the words of Dr. Brené Brown:
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."
Don't let shame keep you in a relationship that no longer serves you.
Cultivating Healthy Friendships
As we let go of toxic friendships, it's equally important to nurture and cultivate healthy ones. Healthy friendships can be a source of joy, support, and personal growth. They can provide us with the energy and excitement we need to tackle the challenges of parenting and life in general.
Look for friends who:
Respect your boundaries and values
Celebrate your successes
Offer support during difficult times
Encourage your personal growth
Bring positivity and energy into your life
Remember, as parents, the friendships we cultivate don't just affect us – they indirectly impact our children too. By surrounding ourselves with positive, supportive friends, we're modeling healthy relationships for our kids.
The Power of Self-Reflection
As we navigate our friendships, it's crucial to engage in regular self-reflection. Ask yourself:
Does this friendship align with my values and the person I want to be?
How would my life be different without this friendship?
Am I staying in this friendship out of fear or obligation rather than genuine connection?
If a loved one were in this situation, what advice would I give them?
Does this friendship support my growth and well-being?
These questions can provide valuable insights and help guide your decisions about your friendships.
Embracing Change for a Fulfilling Life
Change, even when it's for the better, can be scary. Letting go of a long-standing friendship might feel like you're losing a part of yourself. However, it's important to remember that growth often requires letting go of what no longer serves us.
Dr. Nielsen reminds us,
"Choosing to end a friendship isn't about blame or punishment, but it's about making a healthy choice for you and your family. It's about becoming who you were meant to become, instead of what is comfortable, or that sense of loyalty that you felt."
As parents, we're constantly evolving and growing alongside our children. Our friendships should support this growth, not hinder it. By being mindful of the relationships we maintain, we're not just improving our own lives – we're creating a more positive, energizing environment for our families.
Conclusion: Your Journey to Fulfillment Starts Now
Remember that Tuesday morning when I felt a knot in my stomach from a simple text? That's not how friendships should make us feel. As parents, we deserve relationships that energize us, support our growth, and add joy to our lives.
Letting go of toxic friendships isn't about giving up or admitting defeat. It's about making room for relationships that align with who we are and who we want to become. It's about creating space for friendships that will uplift us, support our journey as parents, and contribute positively to our family dynamics.
As you reflect on your own friendships, be kind to yourself. Change is never easy, but it's often necessary for growth. By cultivating healthy relationships and letting go of toxic ones, you're not just improving your own life – you're setting a powerful example for your children about self-respect, boundaries, and the value of positive relationships.
Your best life – filled with energy, excitement, and fulfillment – is waiting. Sometimes, reaching it means having the courage to let go of what's holding you back. Trust in your journey, embrace the change, and watch as your life transforms, one friendship at a time.
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
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