Why Your Kid’s Meltdowns Might Be About Your Unhealed Shame, with Crystal Haitsma
As parents, we often find ourselves on a never-ending quest for balance, energy, and fulfillment. We yearn to be the best versions of ourselves for our children, yet sometimes feel overwhelmed by the challenges that come with raising a family. What if I told you that the secret to more peaceful, rewarding parenting might be hiding in plain sight? Today, we're going to explore a transformative approach to parenting that could revolutionize your family life and reignite your passion for living.
In a recent episode of the Fulfillment Therapy podcast, I had the pleasure of speaking with Crystal Haitsma, a parenting coach and certified life coach who has discovered a unique blend of psychology and real-world experience. Crystal's journey, which includes homeschooling her four children across continents, offers a fresh perspective on how to ditch parenting guilt and embrace a more connected approach with your kids.
The Root of Reactive Parenting: Uncovering Hidden Shame
One of the most profound insights Crystal shared was the role of shame in our parenting struggles. She explained,
"If we were raised in shame-based homes, and if you're listening to this podcast right now, you're probably work. Even if you're like resistant to that, you're like no, my parents were good parents. I'm not saying your parents weren't good parents, but all of the information that was out there, all of the parenting support that was out there was all intensely shame-based."
This revelation struck a chord with me, and I'm sure it will with many of you. How often have we found ourselves reacting to our children's behavior in ways we later regret, feeling like we're failing as parents? Crystal suggests that these reactions often stem from deep-seated shame and beliefs about our own inadequacy that we may not even be consciously aware of.
The good news is that by addressing these underlying issues, we can dramatically transform our parenting experience. Crystal shared her own journey: "I don't ever feel rage ever about anything. And I don't ever yell and not because I'm trying to not yell. I never stop myself from yelling. I don't feel that level of intense reaction anymore."
Imagine parenting without the weight of constant guilt or the explosive reactions that leave everyone feeling worse. It's not just a pipe dream – it's achievable through intentional self-work.
The Path to Shame-Free Parenting
So how do we begin this journey towards more peaceful, fulfilling parenting? Crystal offers several practical strategies:
Intuitive Journaling: Ask yourself deeper questions about your reactions. Why did a particular situation bother you? What meaning are you attaching to it? This process helps uncover the root beliefs driving your reactions.
Emotional Processing: Treat your emotions like children who need to be heard. Crystal advises,
"If I'm feeling frustration, a kid is coming and telling me that they're frustrated and I'm going to sit and I'm going to listen to that kid. I'm going to listen to the words that kid has to say in the energy that kid would say it."
Creating Space for Stillness: Find a quiet spot in your home where you can regularly practice these techniques. As Crystal notes,
"The more you resist stillness, meditation, or aloneness, the more you need it."
Daily Practice: Make this self-reflection a daily habit.
"Every day I look for something to journal about in that way. And I do the same meditation work, the same subconscious work every day,"
Crystal shares.
The Impact Beyond Parenting
While this work begins with our role as parents, its effects ripple out into all areas of our lives. As we become less reactive and more self-aware, we find ourselves showing up differently in our marriages, friendships, and professional lives.
Crystal emphasizes that this work isn't just for parents:
"This isn't just work for only moms or only women or only parents or only anybody. This is if you are human, you feel shame. It's one of the things that connects us most as humans, that we all feel this way."
By addressing our own shame and healing our inner child, we not only become better parents but also more authentic, fulfilled individuals. As the famous psychologist Carl Jung once said,
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
Embracing Growth and Authenticity
One of the most liberating aspects of this approach is that it's not about achieving perfection. It's about continuous growth and self-discovery. Crystal reminds us,
"Anytime we go to a new area of growth, it'll come up again. So we might feel pretty good. And then we're like, let's start a business or let's get a job promotion, or let's go back to school. Like your mind wants to grow. It wants to learn. It wants to become."
This perspective shifts our focus from trying to be perfect parents to embracing our journey of growth. It allows us to model resilience, self-compassion, and authenticity for our children – qualities that are far more valuable than the illusion of flawlessness.
Practical Steps to Start Your Journey
If you're feeling inspired to begin this transformative work, here are some concrete steps you can take:
Set aside 10-15 minutes each day for self-reflection. Use this time to journal about your reactions and emotions.
Practice the emotional processing technique Crystal described. Find a quiet spot and "listen" to your emotions as if they were children needing your attention.
Pay attention to moments when you feel triggered or reactive. Use these as opportunities for self-inquiry rather than self-judgment.
Explore resources on shame resilience and inner child work. Brené Brown's books on shame and vulnerability are excellent starting points.
Consider working with a coach or therapist who specializes in this area if you feel you need additional support.
Remember, this work takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. As you become more aware of your patterns and begin to heal old wounds, you'll likely find that your energy and excitement for life naturally increase.
A New Chapter in Your Parenting Journey
As we wrap up, I want you to imagine for a moment what your family life could look like if you were free from the burden of shame and reactivity. Picture the deep, authentic connections you could foster with your children. Envision the joy and peace that could permeate your home.
This isn't just a fantasy – it's a reality that's within reach. By embarking on this journey of self-discovery and healing, you're not just improving your parenting; you're reclaiming your zest for life. You're modeling for your children what it means to grow, to heal, and to live authentically.
Remember Crystal's words:
"As I am more myself authentically, instead of trying to mold form, shape myself to what I think my employer wants, what my friends want, what social media wants. I give people around me permission to do the same themselves, where they can like really just be themselves."
This is the gift you give yourself and your family when you commit to this work. It's not always easy, but it's infinitely rewarding. As you continue on this path, you may find that the key to calmer, more fulfilling parenting was within you all along – waiting to be uncovered and embraced.
So, dear parent, are you ready to turn the page and begin this new chapter? Your journey to more energized, excited, and authentic living starts now. And remember, every step you take on this path is a step towards a more fulfilling life for you and your entire family.
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
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