Regulate, Don’t React: How Do You Stay Grounded When Your Child Melts Down? with Alissa Jerud
Picture this: You’re hosting a family graduation party. The house is buzzing with relatives, the cake’s frosting is melting faster than your patience, and your teenager just rolled their eyes so hard you worry they’ll strain a muscle. In moments like these, the gap between the parent you want to be and the parent you are feels impossibly wide. But what if the key to closing that gap isn’t about changing your kids’ behavior-but revolutionizing how you respond to your own emotions?
This isn’t about achieving Pinterest-perfect parenting. It’s about something far more transformative: learning to navigate emotional storms with science-backed tools that help you show up as your best self, even when life feels messy. Drawing from my conversation with Dr. Alissa Jerud, clinical psychologist and author of Emotion-Savvy Parenting, we’ll explore how to turn emotional chaos into connection-and why doing so might be the most fulfilling gift you give your family.
The Hidden Power of Parental Emotions
“We’re wired to avoid pain-emotional or physical,” Dr. Jerud explains, “but when we try to control or suppress our feelings, we often make things worse.” This insight shifts the parenting paradigm: Instead of focusing on fixing our kids’ behavior, the real work lies in mastering our own emotional responses.
Consider this:
90% of parenting conflicts escalate not because of the triggering event itself, but due to how parents react in the heat of the moment [based on clinical data from Dr. Jerud’s practice].
Children mirror emotional regulation strategies they observe, meaning your response to stress becomes their blueprint for life.
As psychologist Carl Jung famously said, “Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on children than the unlived life of the parent.” By learning to accept and regulate our emotions, we don’t just survive parenting challenges-we model resilience for our kids.
The ART of Emotional Mastery: A Science-Backed Framework
Dr. Jerud’s ART framework (Accept, Regulate, Tolerate) offers concrete strategies for emotional agility:
1. Accept: Making Peace with the Uncomfortable
"Emotions are normal and natural-even the ones we'd rather not feel."
Dr. Jerud notes. Acceptance begins with:
Mindful observation: Noticing physical sensations (“My jaw is clenched”) without judgment
Validating your experience: “This is hard, and it’s okay that I’m struggling”
Letting go of “shoulds”: Releasing expectations about how you ought to feel
Quote from the episode:
"When we stop fighting reality, we conserve energy for what actually matters-showing up for our kids."
2. Regulate: Tools for Emotional Equilibrium
Regulation isn’t about suppressing feelings-it’s about creating conditions for clearer thinking:
Strategy: HALT Check
How It Works: Address Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tiredness
Real-World Application: Grab a snack before addressing sibling fights
Next:
Strategy: Cognitive Reframe
How it Works: Challenge unhelpful thoughts
Real-World Application: Replace "They're doing this to upset me" with "They're struggling".
Next:
Strategy: Sensory Reset
How it Works: Engage the 5 senses to ground yourself.
Real-World Application: Keep a textured stress ball in your pocket
3. Tolerate: Weathering Emotional Storms
When emotions feel overwhelming, Dr. Jerud’s CARE skills create rapid relief:
Cool with ice (activate the dive reflex to lower heart rate)
Activate your body (20-second dance party to release tension)
Relax muscles (progressive muscle relaxation)
Exhale slowly (4-7 second breaths to calm the nervous system)
Quote from the episode:
"These skills work best when practiced during calm moments-like training muscles before running a marathon."
From Theory to Kitchen-Table Reality: A Case Study
Let’s revisit that graduation party meltdown through an emotion-savvy lens:
Old Pattern:
Child spills punch → Parent snaps → Guilt spiral → Tension lingers for hours
New Approach:
Pause: Use CARE skills (splash cold water on wrists)
Accept: “I’m frustrated, and that’s understandable”
Reframe: “This isn’t intentional-they’re excited and clumsy”
Respond: “Let’s clean this together. Want to tell me about your friends here?”
As family therapist Virginia Satir observed, “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated.” By managing our reactions, we create space for those differences to coexist peacefully.
The Liberation of Imperfect Progress
During our interview, Dr. Jerud shared a vulnerable truth: “I’m not a perfect parent. Last week, I yelled at my kids over spilled cereal.” This admission isn’t a failure-it’s proof that emotional mastery is a practice, not a destination.
3 Keys to Sustainable Growth:
Repair over perfection: A sincere “I’m sorry I raised my voice” teaches more than never making mistakes
Weekly reflection: Spend 5 minutes reviewing what worked (and what didn’t)
Progress tracking: Note subtle wins like “Paused before reacting” or “Used a regulation tool”
The Ripple Effect of Emotional Savvy
Returning to our graduation party scenario: When we stop seeing emotional moments as crises to avoid and start viewing them as opportunities for connection, something magical happens. The spilled punch becomes a shared laugh. The eye roll sparks a later conversation about independence. The chaotic family gathering transforms into a memory of resilience.
This is the heart of fulfillment-focused parenting: It’s not about eliminating challenges, but developing the tools to navigate them with grace. As you experiment with these strategies, remember Dr. Jerud’s parting wisdom:
"Every time you choose acceptance over avoidance, you're not just managing a moment-you're building a legacy of emotional strength for generations."
Your Next Step:
Tonight, try one small ART strategy. Maybe name an emotion aloud (“I’m feeling overwhelmed”). Perhaps practice a 4-7 breath. Each micro-moment of awareness isn’t just self-care-it’s a radical act of love that shapes your family’s emotional DNA.
Kendra Nielson is a therapist and host of the Fulfillment Therapy podcast, where she explores practical strategies for mental wellness. When not recording episodes, she’s usually negotiating screen time limits with her four kids or hiding in the pantry with dark chocolate.
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
Connect with Kendra:🤗
ALL LINKS → https://linktr.ee/fulfillmenttherapy
Website → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org
Contact → hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org
Instagram → @fulfillmenttherapy
Facebook Community → http://bit.ly/fulfillmenttherapy
Facebook Group → Private FB Group
Schedule 1:1 Coaching → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org/1-on-1-coaching
Chat → 1-986-910-5172 *text questions & topic requests
Phone
(986) 910-5172
