When Running on Empty Becomes Your Normal: Finding Your Spark Again in Midlife

July 20, 2026•13 min read

Do you ever feel like life keeps asking you for more while you quietly run on empty?

If you're nodding your head right now, you're not alone. Maybe you thought that by this point—whether you're in your 40s, 50s, or beyond—things would feel more settled, more rewarding. Instead, many of us find ourselves wondering: Is this it? We've checked the boxes, raised the kids (or are in the thick of it), built the career, managed the household. And yet, somewhere along the way, we lost track of ourselves.

Living your best life doesn't mean having it all together. It means acknowledging when you're running on fumes and having the courage to ask what comes next—not from a place of crisis, but from a place of curiosity and self-compassion.

Recently, I had the privilege of sitting down with Heiki Yates, a midlife fitness expert, author, and creator of the Spark Framework. With more than 35 years of experience helping women reclaim their vitality, Heiki knows what it takes to stop dimming your light and start feeling strong, capable, and confident again—without extremes or starting over completely. Our conversation touched on something so many of us face but rarely talk about: the quiet emptiness that settles in when we've spent years caring for everyone else while putting ourselves last.

The "In-Between" Phase: You're Not in Crisis, You're in Transition

One of the most refreshing perspectives Heiki shared is this: midlife isn't a crisis. It's a transition—an "in-between" phase, as she calls it. It's that space between where you are and where you want to be, between who you've been and who you're becoming.

"I don't think midlife is a crisis," Heiki explained during our conversation. "I think the pharma industry made us believe it's a crisis. People in the fitness industry or health industry made us believe it's a crisis so we can buy their drugs and we feel terrible about ourselves. I think it's more of a moment where we scratch our heads and say, I want something different. I just don't know what it is, maybe, or how can I reach it if I know that I want something different?"

This reframe is powerful. Instead of viewing this season as something to fix or survive, what if we saw it as an invitation? An opportunity to pause, reflect, and rediscover what truly matters to us now—not what mattered when we were 25, not what society says should matter, but what genuinely lights us up today.

For many parents, especially mothers, this phase often coincides with children growing up and needing us less. It can feel disorienting after years of pouring everything into raising decent, capable humans. You've been so focused on your family's needs that your own desires have become background noise—or disappeared entirely.

As psychologist and author Dr. Brené Brown reminds us, "When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending." Owning this in-between phase means acknowledging the loss of our former identity while also recognizing the freedom to create something new.

The Cost of Constant Caregiving

Here's something we don't talk about enough: caregiving—whether for children, aging parents, a partner, or all of the above—takes a profound toll on our mental, emotional, and physical health. When you're constantly giving, managing, organizing, and problem-solving for everyone else, your own well-being becomes an afterthought.

The consequences show up differently for each of us. Maybe it's persistent anxiety or feeling overwhelmed by the smallest tasks. Maybe it's physical symptoms—headaches, digestive issues, chronic pain, or complete exhaustion no matter how much you sleep. Maybe it's a sense of emptiness, going through the motions without really feeling present in your own life.

During our conversation, I shared with Heiki how this shows up in my own therapy practice and personal life. "It really comes at a cost," I said. "Like you talk about those consequences and it shows up differently for all of us. Like maybe it's in the form of health problems, maybe it's overwhelm, anxiety, depression, just this lack of joy, fulfillment that we're talking about. Like we're seeing this in all of our lives in one degree or another if we're not being mindful about it."

The truth is, when we ignore our own needs long enough, our bodies and minds start screaming for attention. Burnout isn't just feeling tired—it's a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion that impacts every aspect of our lives and relationships.

Curiosity: Your Gateway to Rediscovery

So how do we begin to shift? How do we move from feeling stuck and depleted to feeling alive and purposeful again?

Heiki's answer is beautifully simple: start with curiosity.

Curiosity is one of the central themes in her book Pursue Your Spark, and for good reason. When we approach our lives with curiosity rather than judgment, we open doors we didn't even know existed. Curiosity asks, "What if?" instead of "I should." It explores instead of criticizes. It creates space for discovery without the pressure of having everything figured out immediately.

Think about it: When was the last time you allowed yourself to be genuinely curious about your own life? Not scrolling through social media wondering why everyone else seems to have it together, but actually sitting with questions like:

These aren't indulgent questions. They're essential ones. As author Glennon Doyle writes in Untamed, "The braver we are, the luckier we get." Being brave enough to get curious about ourselves is the first step toward reclaiming our lives.

The Power of Going Quiet

In our productivity-obsessed culture, there's immense pressure to have a plan, to optimize, to constantly be doing something. But Heiki shared something that stopped me in my tracks: sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is go quiet.

She recounted a story about a friend who desperately wanted to lose five pounds. This woman worked out five days a week, was incredibly active with her three sons, helped run a family business, and was involved in community activities. She came to Heiki convinced that the solution was a better workout plan or diet strategy.

Heiki's response? "I wish you'd be looking more at you time instead of being involved in the club and doing all this and sit for a moment and say, what is it that I want to do? And let everything else drop away."

We often want that magic pill, that formula we can control. But what if the answer isn't doing more—it's being more present with ourselves? What if we stopped long enough to listen to what our bodies and hearts are actually telling us?

This concept of "going quiet" isn't about meditation retreats or hours of stillness (though those can be wonderful). It's about creating small pockets of space in your day where you're not managing, fixing, or taking care of anyone else. It might be five minutes sitting with your morning coffee before the house wakes up. It might be a short walk around the block without your phone. It might be simply sitting in your car after running errands and taking three deep breaths before heading inside.

These moments of quiet allow us to reconnect with our bodies and emotions. As I've gotten older, I've focused more on somatic work—paying attention to where I'm holding tension, what my body is trying to tell me. When I notice my shoulders creeping up toward my ears, I know I need to reassess my boundaries. When my jaw is clenched, I know I'm taking on too much. Our bodies are constantly communicating with us; we just need to slow down enough to listen.

Boundaries and Self-Advocacy: Not Selfish, Essential

One of the themes that emerged repeatedly in our conversation was the importance of boundaries and self-advocacy. For many of us, especially those raised to be caregivers and people-pleasers, setting boundaries feels selfish or mean. We worry about disappointing others or being perceived as difficult.

But here's the truth: boundaries aren't about keeping people out. They're about protecting what matters most so you can show up as your best self in your relationships.

Heiki shared a touching story about her son moving across the country for work. Instead of being devastated that her child was leaving, she had built a life outside of her role as a mother—salsa dancing, friendships, personal pursuits. Her son told her, "I don't have to be worried about you, mom. You made sure you're doing things outside from us."

What a gift—both to herself and to her son. She modeled that it's possible to be a devoted, loving parent while also maintaining your own identity, interests, and community. She showed him that having a full life doesn't diminish your love for your children; it enhances it.

As author and physician Dr. Gabor Maté explains, "The attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain." When we avoid the discomfort of setting boundaries or advocating for our needs, we create more suffering for ourselves and, ultimately, for those we love. We become resentful, depleted, and disconnected.

Setting boundaries might look like:

Saying no to volunteering for yet another school event when you're already overwhelmed

Advocating for yourself teaches your children and loved ones that everyone's needs matter, including yours. It gives them permission to do the same as they grow.

Small Steps: The Saxophone Story

Near the end of our conversation, I asked Heiki about how she's recently deepened her own sense of fulfillment. Her answer was perfect: she unpacked her saxophone.

Two years ago, her husband gave her a saxophone as a gift. She had never played an instrument, never read music, but remembered loving the sound of a saxophone player she'd heard decades ago in Munich. For two years, that saxophone mostly sat in its case. But this year, she's played it five times—a huge improvement.

Here's what I loved most about her story: "What brings me the most joy is the assembly of the saxophone. Taking the pieces out, putting it together...and then I got a video where I can learn and it just visually shows me what I to do with my fingers."

She isn't focused on becoming a professional musician. She isn't measuring her worth by how quickly she progresses. She's simply finding joy in the process—in the ritual of assembling the instrument, in the small attempts at making music, in the curiosity of learning something completely new.

This is what reclaiming your spark looks like in real life. It's not grand transformations or starting completely over. It's giving yourself permission to try something that interests you, even if you're not good at it. It's finding pleasure in small rituals and moments. It's being kind to yourself in the learning process.

Redefining Midlife Success

As someone who just turned 43, I'll admit that "midlife" still feels like something that applies to other people. In my mind, I'm maybe 30, possibly 25 on a good day. But the reality is, I am squarely in this in-between phase Heiki described so well.

And you know what? That's okay. More than okay—it's an opportunity.

Heiki mentioned that she experiences this questioning phase every decade. At 30, at 40, at 60. "What am I gonna do now? Where do I see Heiki growing into in the next 10 years?" she asked herself at each milestone.

This isn't a sign of failure or confusion. It's a sign of growth, of evolution, of refusing to stay stuck in outdated versions of ourselves. It's recognizing that the life we built in our 30s might not fit who we're becoming in our 40s, 50s, and beyond—and that's not a crisis. It's just life unfolding.

Success in midlife isn't about having everything figured out or achieving some predetermined set of goals. It's about staying curious, honoring your needs, setting boundaries that protect your wellbeing, and giving yourself permission to explore what brings you joy now—not what brought you joy 20 years ago, not what brings other people joy, but what genuinely lights you up today.

Coming Home to Yourself

Remember that question from the beginning? Do you ever feel like life keeps asking you for more while you quietly run on empty?

The answer isn't to give more. The answer is to come home to yourself.

It's to recognize that living your best life—the life you were born to live—doesn't mean sacrificing yourself on the altar of everyone else's needs. It means understanding that you matter too. Your needs, your desires, your dreams, your rest, your joy—they all matter.

It means replacing the shame and guilt that often accompany self-care with the understanding that taking care of yourself isn't selfish; it's sustainable. It's how you show up with more energy, presence, and love for the people who matter most to you.

It means getting curious about who you're becoming in this season and allowing that curiosity to lead you toward small, meaningful changes. Maybe it's unpacking your own metaphorical saxophone. Maybe it's finally setting that boundary you've been avoiding. Maybe it's simply sitting in quiet for five minutes a day and listening to what your heart is trying to tell you.

The transition from exhaustion to vitality, from going through the motions to feeling truly alive, doesn't require a complete life overhaul. It requires small, consistent steps toward honoring yourself. It requires the courage to admit when you're running on empty and the compassion to do something about it.

You've spent so much time and energy caring for others, building your career, managing your household, being everything to everyone. Now it's time to ask: What do I need? What do I want? What would make me feel more like myself again?

The answers might surprise you. They might be simpler than you think. And they might just be the spark that reignites your sense of purpose, joy, and fulfillment.

Because you deserve more than just surviving. You deserve to flourish—not someday, not when everything is perfect, but right now, in the messy middle of real life.

Your spark is still there, waiting to be rediscovered. All you have to do is get curious enough to look.

Ready to explore more resources for your mental health and wellness journey? Visit fulfillmenttherapy.org for courses, tools, and support. Connect with our community on Instagram and Facebook @fulfillmenttherapy, and sign up for our weekly emails packed with practical strategies for reducing stress and creating a life you love. Have questions? Reach out anytime at hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org.

*Listen to our podcast episodes 340 and 341/Why Do So Many Midlife Women Feel Empty - Even When Their Life Looks "Good"? With Heiki Yates

Connect with Kendra:🤗

ALL LINKS → https://linktr.ee/fulfillmenttherapy

Website → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org

Contact → hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org

Instagram → @fulfillmenttherapy

Facebook Community → http://bit.ly/fulfillmenttherapy

Facebook Group → Private FB Group

Schedule 1:1 Coaching → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org/1-on-1-coaching

Chat → 1-986-910-5172 *text questions & topic requests

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Kendra Nielson

Phone

(986) 910-5172

Email

When Running on Empty Becomes Your Normal: Finding Your Spark Again in Midlife

Do you ever feel like life keeps asking you for more while you quietly run on empty?

Living your best life doesn't mean having it all together. It means acknowledging when you're running on fumes and having the courage to ask what comes next—not from a place of crisis, but from a place of curiosity and self-compassion.

The "In-Between" Phase: You're Not in Crisis, You're in Transition

One of the most refreshing perspectives Heiki shared is this: midlife isn't a crisis. It's a transition—an "in-between" phase, as she calls it. It's that space between where you are and where you want to be, between who you've been and who you're becoming.

As psychologist and author Dr. Brené Brown reminds us, "When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending." Owning this in-between phase means acknowledging the loss of our former identity while also recognizing the freedom to create something new.

The Cost of Constant Caregiving

The truth is, when we ignore our own needs long enough, our bodies and minds start screaming for attention. Burnout isn't just feeling tired—it's a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion that impacts every aspect of our lives and relationships.

Curiosity: Your Gateway to Rediscovery

So how do we begin to shift? How do we move from feeling stuck and depleted to feeling alive and purposeful again?

Heiki's answer is beautifully simple: start with curiosity.

Think about it: When was the last time you allowed yourself to be genuinely curious about your own life? Not scrolling through social media wondering why everyone else seems to have it together, but actually sitting with questions like:

These aren't indulgent questions. They're essential ones. As author Glennon Doyle writes in Untamed, "The braver we are, the luckier we get." Being brave enough to get curious about ourselves is the first step toward reclaiming our lives.​

The Power of Going Quiet

In our productivity-obsessed culture, there's immense pressure to have a plan, to optimize, to constantly be doing something. But Heiki shared something that stopped me in my tracks: sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is go quiet.

Heiki's response? "I wish you'd be looking more at you time instead of being involved in the club and doing all this and sit for a moment and say, what is it that I want to do? And let everything else drop away."

We often want that magic pill, that formula we can control. But what if the answer isn't doing more—it's being more present with ourselves? What if we stopped long enough to listen to what our bodies and hearts are actually telling us?

Boundaries and Self-Advocacy: Not Selfish, Essential

But here's the truth: boundaries aren't about keeping people out. They're about protecting what matters most so you can show up as your best self in your relationships.

What a gift—both to herself and to her son. She modeled that it's possible to be a devoted, loving parent while also maintaining your own identity, interests, and community. She showed him that having a full life doesn't diminish your love for your children; it enhances it.

Setting boundaries might look like:

Saying no to volunteering for yet another school event when you're already overwhelmed

Advocating for yourself teaches your children and loved ones that everyone's needs matter, including yours. It gives them permission to do the same as they grow.

Small Steps: The Saxophone Story

Near the end of our conversation, I asked Heiki about how she's recently deepened her own sense of fulfillment. Her answer was perfect: she unpacked her saxophone.

Here's what I loved most about her story: "What brings me the most joy is the assembly of the saxophone. Taking the pieces out, putting it together...and then I got a video where I can learn and it just visually shows me what I to do with my fingers."

She isn't focused on becoming a professional musician. She isn't measuring her worth by how quickly she progresses. She's simply finding joy in the process—in the ritual of assembling the instrument, in the small attempts at making music, in the curiosity of learning something completely new.

Redefining Midlife Success

As someone who just turned 43, I'll admit that "midlife" still feels like something that applies to other people. In my mind, I'm maybe 30, possibly 25 on a good day. But the reality is, I am squarely in this in-between phase Heiki described so well.

And you know what? That's okay. More than okay—it's an opportunity.

Heiki mentioned that she experiences this questioning phase every decade. At 30, at 40, at 60. "What am I gonna do now? Where do I see Heiki growing into in the next 10 years?" she asked herself at each milestone.

Coming Home to Yourself

Remember that question from the beginning? Do you ever feel like life keeps asking you for more while you quietly run on empty?

The answer isn't to give more. The answer is to come home to yourself.

It's to recognize that living your best life—the life you were born to live—doesn't mean sacrificing yourself on the altar of everyone else's needs. It means understanding that you matter too. Your needs, your desires, your dreams, your rest, your joy—they all matter.

It means replacing the shame and guilt that often accompany self-care with the understanding that taking care of yourself isn't selfish; it's sustainable. It's how you show up with more energy, presence, and love for the people who matter most to you.

You've spent so much time and energy caring for others, building your career, managing your household, being everything to everyone. Now it's time to ask: What do I need? What do I want? What would make me feel more like myself again?

The answers might surprise you. They might be simpler than you think. And they might just be the spark that reignites your sense of purpose, joy, and fulfillment.

Because you deserve more than just surviving. You deserve to flourish—not someday, not when everything is perfect, but right now, in the messy middle of real life.

Your spark is still there, waiting to be rediscovered. All you have to do is get curious enough to look.

*Listen to our podcast episodes 340 and 341/Why Do So Many Midlife Women Feel Empty - Even When Their Life Looks "Good"? With Heiki Yates

Connect with Kendra:🤗

ALL LINKS → https://linktr.ee/fulfillmenttherapy

Website → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org

Contact → hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org

Instagram → @fulfillmenttherapy

Facebook Community → http://bit.ly/fulfillmenttherapy

Facebook Group → Private FB Group

Schedule 1:1 Coaching → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org/1-on-1-coaching

Chat → 1-986-910-5172 *text questions & topic requests

Phone

(986) 910-5172

Email

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These aren't indulgent questions. They're essential ones. As author Glennon Doyle writes in Untamed, "The braver we are, the luckier we get." Being brave enough to get curious about ourselves is the first step toward reclaiming our lives.