What If Helping Everyone Is Actually Harming You? The Truth About Toxic Empathy, with Karen Bates

You know that sinking feeling when you've spent the entire day taking care of everyone else's needs, and by bedtime you can't even remember what you needed? Maybe you drove the kids to activities, listened to a friend's crisis, helped a neighbor, responded to every text and email, made dinner, cleaned up, and squeezed in some work—all while running on fumes. And yet, when your head finally hits the pillow, instead of feeling fulfilled, you just feel... empty. Depleted. Like you've given away pieces of yourself all day long with nothing left for you.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. And you're definitely not failing at life. What you might be experiencing is something my recent podcast guest, Karen Bates, calls "toxic empathy"—a pattern where our natural compassion and desire to help actually becomes the very thing that destroys our ability to show up for what truly matters. It's a trap so many of us fall into, especially as parents who want to model kindness and generosity for our children. But what if the most loving thing we could do—for ourselves and our families—is to learn when not to help?

The Journey That Changed Everything

Karen's story is remarkable, but it's also achingly relatable. After hearing her mother's painful childhood stories of abandonment and instability, young Karen made a vow to herself: if she'd been there, she would have taken her mom in. That seed of compassion grew throughout her life, eventually leading her to take her family on a humanitarian trip to an orphanage in Mexico in 2020.

What happened there broke her heart wide open. "When we got there and we started meeting the kids and getting to know them, I saw my mom in all of them—this desire to have someone see them, care about them and notice that they were there," Karen shared on the podcast. The drive home was filled with prayer and questions: How else can I help? What more can I do?

That question—what more can I do?—is one many of us ask ourselves constantly. It's the question that keeps us saying yes when we should say no. It's the thought that wakes us at 3 AM when we remember someone who might need something. It's the guilt that crashes over us when we finally take time for ourselves.

For Karen, that question led to an extraordinary leap: selling everything, moving her family of ten to Mexico, and building a home where abandoned teens could find safety, love, and guidance. It sounds like a beautiful dream—and in many ways, it was. But it also became a cautionary tale about what happens when we don't learn to set boundaries around our compassion.

When Empathy Becomes Toxic

The term "toxic empathy" might sound strange at first. After all, isn't empathy always a good thing? Not necessarily. As Brené Brown once wrote, "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others."

Karen discovered this truth the hard way. Her natural empathy meant she could walk into a room and immediately feel drawn to the saddest person there, compelled to make sure they felt included and cared for. "I think that's a good thing to a point," she explained. "But when you don't know how to extend that same empathy to yourself and that same compassion and care, it can become not as good. That's when you stop having boundaries—maybe you don't even realize that they're needed."

Sound familiar? Many of us, especially those of us who grew up as caretakers or people-pleasers, don't even realize we're supposed to have needs. We're so accustomed to managing everyone else's emotions and solving everyone else's problems that we've become strangers to ourselves. We've forgotten—or never learned—how to ask: What do I need right now?

For Karen, the wake-up call came in the form of an autoimmune diagnosis. Her body was literally screaming at her to pay attention. "At first it was physical, like what do I need physically to be healthy?" she said. "But then when I started noticing my body connection, it became like, what do I need emotionally to be healthy?"

The Cost of Saying Yes to Everything

By the summer of 2024, Karen had reached a breaking point. The rainy season had turned their road into an impassable mud pit. They were pushing stuck trucks, running through swarms of mosquitoes, carrying groceries through the mud because vehicles couldn't make it through. The electricity kept going out. And through it all, Karen kept saying yes—to giving people rides, to helping with various needs, to solving problems that weren't hers to solve.

A friend finally gave her an analogy that changed everything: "All of us are like a checkerboard, and you're the queen of your checkerboard. I see you keep sacrificing yourself to save other pawns. And they haven't made the trip across the checkerboard yet—instead of giving them the opportunity to do that, you're sacrificing yourself."

Another person put it even more bluntly: "You're giving away all your bricks and you're not building what you came here to build."

Let that sink in for a moment. You're giving away all your bricks and you're not building what you came here to build. How many of us are doing exactly that? We're so busy helping everyone else construct their lives that we've abandoned our own construction site. We tell ourselves it's noble, it's selfless, it's what good people do. But in reality, we're not just neglecting our own dreams and purposes—we're teaching our children that their needs don't matter either.​

The Difference Between Boundaries and Assertiveness

Karen came home from that difficult summer determined to learn about boundaries. She read books, listened to podcasts, tried to implement what she learned. But something was still missing. "I still found myself in situations where even though I had spoken the boundary, I couldn't be assertive enough to enforce it," she admitted.

This is where so many of us get stuck. We know we should have boundaries. We've read the articles and heard the advice. We might even tell people our boundaries. But when push comes to shove, we cave. We make exceptions. We feel guilty. We worry about being seen as selfish or unkind.

Karen realized the problem went deeper than just knowing what boundaries were. "I wasn't able to be assertive because I didn't see myself as I needed to see myself. I still wasn't in a place where I could hold space for myself, where I allowed myself to take up space, to have needs and wants and to take up space and to still be loving and kind, but to be a whole person."

Read that again: to still be loving and kind, but to be a whole person. This is the key so many of us are missing. We think we have to choose between being kind and being whole. We believe that taking up space means being selfish. We're convinced that having needs makes us demanding or difficult.

But the truth is, wholeness isn't selfish—it's sustainable. And modeling wholeness for our children is far more important than keeping the peace at the expense of our own mental health and wellbeing.

Finding Yourself Again Through Inner Work

So how did Karen begin to shift from people-pleasing to purposeful boundary-setting? The answer might surprise you: meditation.

Now, before you roll your eyes (like I used to!), hear me out. Karen has ADHD, and the word "meditation" used to make her feel instantly bored and resistant. But she discovered guided meditations specifically about boundaries, and one particular visualization changed everything.

In this meditation, she pictured Jesus taking her to a reflective pool. "Instead of seeing all these people telling me things, I pictured what he would say. And I see myself completely different. I had this white crown and this glowing white dress and this vision of who Jesus sees me as. I think that was the self-honoring."

Whether you're religious or not, the principle here is powerful: we need to see ourselves through eyes of love and honor, not through the lens of our failures, weaknesses, or the roles others expect us to play. We need to reconnect with our inherent worth—not because of what we do or who we help, but simply because we exist.

Karen also found healing through Internal Family Systems work, a therapeutic approach that helps you identify and heal wounded parts of yourself. She described a powerful visualization of a baby polar bear trying to climb a pole, only to be pushed off by a parent polar bear again and again—a representation of her childhood experience of having her questions and doubts shut down out of fear.

"I noticed this girl in the corner and she looked ashamed and had hair over her face," Karen shared. "And I went over to her and I was like, I know you, you've been trying your best and it's okay. You don't have to be ashamed." Through this compassionate inner work, she was able to heal the shame that had kept her trapped in patterns of people-pleasing and approval-seeking.

Releasing the Weight of Shame

Shame is one of the heaviest burdens we carry, and it's often completely invisible to others. We walk around carrying this secret belief that we're not good enough, that we've messed up too much, that if people really knew us they'd be disappointed.

As researcher and author Brené Brown has said, "Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change." And that's exactly what Karen discovered—her shame was preventing her from believing she deserved to take up space, to have boundaries, to honor her own needs.

The antidote to shame? Self-compassion and understanding that we're all doing the best we can with what we currently know. "All of us basically are doing the best we can with what we currently know, and we know very little," Karen explained. "All we can do is our next little baby best guess forward, right? This is my best guess. And of course that's honored."

This reframe is revolutionary. Instead of beating ourselves up for past mistakes or current struggles, we can recognize that every step—even the messy ones—is teaching us something valuable. We're not failing; we're learning. We haven't messed up our lives; we're on a path that's leading us exactly where we need to go.

Karen shared a beautiful parable about this: she pictured a room where everyone was working on a mural together. When she hesitated to participate, worried she'd mess it up, Jesus told her: "If I wanted a perfect mural, I would just paint it myself. What I want is for you guys to learn to work together, to learn to enjoy and to have fun and get to create this together."

As she painted alongside her children, she noticed Jesus cleaning up her smudges—just as she was cleaning up her young son's. "That's why he died, so that we could create and figure things out and make mistakes and make a lot of messes, but we would still be able to have joy in creating and being together and building relationships."

Practical Steps Toward Wholeness

So how do we actually apply these lessons to our daily lives? How do we stop giving away our bricks and start building what we're meant to build?

First, get quiet enough to hear yourself. This might mean starting with just five minutes of guided meditation, a short walk alone, or simply sitting in your car before going into the house. Ask yourself: What do I actually need right now? Not what everyone else needs from you—what do you need?

Second, start identifying your values. Karen talked about how she and her husband used to argue about who was "most right" instead of recognizing they had different values that were both valid. "I started to understand what are my values that are really important to me, and how do I live life in alignment with those instead of trying to figure out how do I live in alignment with that guy's values and this person's values," she explained.

Third, practice saying no—even when it feels uncomfortable. Start small. You don't have to quit all your commitments tomorrow. But maybe you let someone else lead that volunteer project. Maybe you don't respond to every text immediately. Maybe you delegate one task you've been shouldering alone.

Fourth, work on enforcing the boundaries you set. This is where assertiveness comes in. It's not enough to say what you need—you have to follow through. This requires believing you're worth it, which brings us back to that inner work of seeing yourself with compassion and honor.

Fifth, let go of others' approval. This might be the hardest one. Karen described the chaos that erupted in some of her relationships when she started taking up space. "When those things start to happen and you start to feel a little bit like, it's just hard when people are used to you taking on their feelings or things, it makes them feel a little bit abandoned when you're like, I think I'm gonna let you take care of that now."

But here's the truth: people who are used to you having no boundaries will often react negatively when you start setting them. That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It means they need to adjust to a healthier dynamic. As the saying goes, "When you set a boundary, the only people who get upset are the ones who were benefiting from you having none."

Teaching Our Children About Wholeness

Perhaps the most powerful shift in Karen's journey was realizing that modeling wholeness for her children was more important than keeping everyone happy. "The most important thing for me to model for my children is wholeness—not trying to accommodate myself to make sure everybody else is okay, but for them to see a parent working towards wholeness. That is more important than keeping the peace with everybody else."

Think about what we're teaching our kids when we constantly sacrifice ourselves. We're showing them that:

• Their needs don't matter as much as others' needs

• Taking up space is selfish

• Saying no makes you a bad person

• Exhaustion and depletion are normal parts of being a good person

• Boundaries are optional

Is that really what we want them to learn? Or would we rather they see us as whole people who can be both loving and boundaried, compassionate and self-honoring?

Karen acknowledged she parented her older children differently, often making them share or give up their things without honoring their own desires and choices. Now, she focuses on creating space for her children to make their own choices and express their own needs. She shares what she's learning with them during morning discussions about their personal studies, showing them in real time what it looks like to grow and heal.

Moving Forward with Purpose

Karen's story doesn't end with her finally achieving perfect boundaries and never struggling again. Real life isn't like that. Instead, she's continuing to learn and adjust, now beginning the work she originally moved to Mexico to do—taking her program and book to orphanages, working with the teens she felt called to serve.

"Even though it doesn't mean we can't pivot and do things, there's still this feeling inside that we're there to serve and learning that it doesn't mean we have to help everyone that we see," she reflected. She's letting go of some good things that aren't aligned with her core purpose, delegating others, and focusing on what she actually came to build.

This is the journey for all of us: continually coming back to our purpose, our values, our inner compass. Learning to discern between what's ours to carry and what we need to release. Building systems and practices that allow us to live from a place of rest and wholeness instead of constant depletion.

As Karen wisely put it, "Healing is just a lifelong journey, right? We're always gonna be healing and growing and learning and moving forward."

Your Bricks, Your Building

Remember that image of giving away all your bricks? Think about your own life right now. What bricks have you been handing to others? What structure are you meant to be building, but can't because you don't have the materials anymore?

Maybe your "bricks" are your time, your energy, your emotional capacity, your creativity, your dreams. Maybe you've been so busy helping everyone else construct their lives that you've forgotten you have a blueprint of your own.

The beautiful thing is, you can start reclaiming those bricks right now. Not by becoming selfish or uncaring, but by recognizing that you can't pour from an empty cup—and more importantly, that modeling wholeness is the greatest gift you can give your children and the people you love.

You don't have to move to another country or make dramatic changes overnight. Start with one small boundary. One moment of asking yourself what you need. One instance of saying no without guilt. One meditation where you see yourself through eyes of compassion rather than criticism.

Because here's what I know for sure after years of working with parents and families: you doing everything for everyone while you slowly disappear isn't noble—it's unsustainable. And the world doesn't need more martyrs. It needs more whole people who know how to be both kind and boundaried, both compassionate and self-honoring.

Just like that checkerboard analogy Karen's friend gave her, you're the queen of your own board. Stop sacrificing yourself to save pawns who haven't made their own journey yet. Protect your position. Build what you came here to build. Your purpose matters. Your mental health matters. Your wholeness matters.

And remember: life has never once gone exactly according to plan for any of us. But that's not failure—that's just life teaching us what we need to learn next. So take your next best baby step forward, clean up the smudges with compassion, and keep creating the life you were meant to live.

You've got the bricks. Now it's time to start building.

If Karen's story resonated with you and you're ready to start setting boundaries that actually stick while still showing up for your family, I'd love to support you. Visit fulfillmenttherapy.org to explore resources, join our community, or reach out at hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org. You can also find us on Facebook and Instagram @fulfillmenttherapy. This is your space to heal, grow, and flourish—and you don't have to do it alone.

*Listen to our podcast episodes 320 and 321/ What If Helping Everyone Is Actually Harming You? The Truth About Toxic Empathy, with Karen Bates

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