The Hidden Struggles of Middle Schoolers: What Every Parent Needs to Know to Support Their Child’s Mental Wellness, with Carmen Bengoa
The Hidden Struggles of Middle Schoolers: What Every Parent Needs to Know to Support Their Child’s Mental Wellness
Living your best life as a parent means embracing the real moments—those raw, challenging, joyful, and sometimes confusing experiences that come with raising kids who are growing and changing. Middle school is famously one of those challenging chapters where family dynamics shift dramatically. It’s when our kids start to see us as humans, not just heroes, and when they push boundaries we never expected. As a mom, wife, licensed therapist, and someone who has been right where you are, I’m here to share insights from this phase of life and some practical tools for creating more personal and family fulfillment through it all.
Licensed counselor Carmen Bengoa, a specialist in adolescent mental health, joins me on the Fulfillment Therapy podcast to unpack what's happening beneath the surface during these years—and how parents can rebuild connection, calm, and trust even when it seems hardest.
The Shifting World of Middle Schoolers
Middle schoolers change faster than any other time in their childhood, sometimes faster than we can keep up with as parents. Carmen shares,
"They are chaning at a rate much faster than we will probably ever change in our entire lifespan."
Sixth graders often still see adults as heroes—trusting and eager to please—but by seventh and eighth grade, those rose-colored glasses fade as they begin to question authority, their families, and even their own identities.
This developmental shift often leads to conflict at home and a sense of distance. It’s not about rebellion for the sake of rebellion; it’s an essential part of growing toward independence. The desire to “fit in” and belong becomes front and center, making social acceptance a primary focus for these young adolescents. As they become more socially aware, even simple things like the right shirt for school or being invited to a party take on huge importance.
When Middle Schoolers Say, “My Parents Just Don’t Understand”
One of the most common frustrations that teens express is feeling unseen or misunderstood. Carmen explains how adolescents often feel,
"They're telling me my feeling is wrong, or my feeling is inaccurate, or my feeling is too much."
Parents tend to respond with logic, advice, or discipline when what teens really need is empathy and validation.
Listening without judgment—and resisting the urge to fix—is a critical skill. Teenagers want to know that their inner experiences matter, even if the specific issue seems small to adults. The human need to feel seen ranks high in helping them develop emotional health and resilience.
The Four S’s: Safety, Seen, Soothing, and Security
Carmen draws from Dr. Dan Siegel’s framework of the Four S’s to help parents support middle schoolers emotionally:
Safety: Create a home environment where kids feel protected and accepted unconditionally.
Seen: Validate their emotions and experiences rather than dismiss or minimize them.
Soothing: Offer calm presence rather than sudden distractions or excessive placation.
Security: Repair ruptures in connection through humble apologies and open communication.
For example, when a child cannot go to a risky activity like dirt biking, honoring their disappointment rather than trying to bribe them with other fun activities is more emotionally sustaining. Carmen reminds us,
"We don't have to take them to Disneyland to compensate."
Navigating Conflict with Compassion
Conflict is inevitable, but how we respond can cultivate fulfillment rather than fracture it. Our tone matters as much as our words. Children are sensitive not just to what we say but how we say it. When parents communicate worry and care instead of anger or frustration, teens are more likely to feel understood, which keeps communication channels open.
Using “I feel” statements can help: for example, “I feel worried when you come home late” instead of “You’re grounded for being late”. This invites empathy instead of defensiveness.
Recognizing When Something More Is Going On
While moodiness and withdrawal are sometimes typical in adolescence, Carmen advises parents to watch carefully for signs of deeper struggles like school refusal, isolation, or anxiety-related behaviors.
"If you see your child does not have a fire to live life with that mood change, then I would definitley seek out some professional help."
Early intervention can prevent these struggles from becoming harder to manage later.
Flexibility Around Education and Support
Parents often fear the stigma of alternative schooling, but changing educational environments can be a healthy choice for some kids. Carmen encourages listening to your child’s needs and exploring options, whether smaller schools, homeschools, or specialized programs. The ultimate goal is to foster a love of learning and engagement.
Practical Tips for Parents
Be transparent about your own feelings: tell your child you want to connect and aren’t sure how.
Invite their ideas: “What do you think would help us get along better?”
Be consistent with rules but compassionate about emotions.
Accept that repair, not perfection, is the heart of parenting.
Model empathy and vulnerability—the relationship skills you want your kids to learn.
Wise Words for the Journey
As Brené Brown says,
"Connection is why we're here; it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives."
And psychologist Dan Siegel reminds us,
"You don't have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you."
Remembering these helps us both hold space for our children and care for ourselves.
Fulfillment Therapy’s Commitment to You
If you feel overwhelmed or disconnected in your parenting, you’re in the right place. Fulfillment Therapy is here to help you find small, realistic steps toward mental wellness, meaningful connection, and personal fulfillment—even in the chaos. You’re not alone on this journey—I’ve been there, as a mom and therapist, and I’m walking it with you.
Conclusion: Fulfillment As an Ongoing Path
Living your best life as a parent isn’t a finished product or perfect picture; it’s a process of continuous growth, learning, and connection. The shift from seeing your child as a little one to seeing them as a human growing into independence can feel like loss—and opportunity all at once. By embracing this phase with empathy, repair, and openness, we create family spaces where everyone can thrive.
Your best life is not a destination; it’s built in real conversations, honest mistakes, and the courage to keep showing up. Thank you for being part of Fulfillment Therapy’s community, where healing, growth, and family fulfillment come together—one imperfect step at a time.
Reach out anytime at
or find us on Facebook and Instagram @fulfillmenttherapy. Let’s walk this path together.
With Love,
Kendra
Quotes and insights credited to therapist Carmen Bengoa and thought leaders in family wellness.
Connect with Kendra:🤗
ALL LINKS → https://linktr.ee/fulfillmenttherapy
Website → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org
Contact → hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org
Instagram → @fulfillmenttherapy
Facebook Community → http://bit.ly/fulfillmenttherapy
Facebook Group → Private FB Group
Schedule 1:1 Coaching → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org/1-on-1-coaching
Chat → 1-986-910-5172 *text questions & topic requests
Phone
(986) 910-5172
