What Six Words Could Defuse Years of Resentment in Your Home? with Zach Brittle
Living Your Best Life: More Than Perfection
It seems everywhere you look—social media feeds, family gatherings, even therapy sessions—there’s talk about living your “best life.” But as a wife, mom, and therapist who’s spent years in the trenches and the joys of marriage and parenting, I know how much pressure comes with that phrase. Too often, it feels like doing everything “right” only leads to burnout, disappointment, or simmering resentment toward ourselves and the people we love most.
Let’s be honest: most parents and couples aren’t seeking Pinterest-perfect happiness. They’re looking for genuine connection, meaning, and a daily experience that feels rewarding—even when life gets messy. What if the real path to fulfillment and mental wellness started somewhere quieter, less visible, and more radical than doing it “right”? What if repair and true ownership could help transform patterns many thought were unchangeable?
The Roots of Disconnection: Choice and Generational Patterns
My guest in this week’s Fulfillment Therapy podcast, Zach Brittle—a seasoned couples counselor and author—illuminated something profound: much of our distress in family life stems from old patterns passed down through generations, and from feeling powerless to choose any other way. Parents often repeat habits, coping mechanisms, and even resentments they learned as children, sometimes without even realizing it.
Brittle shared,
"There a popular phrase in recovery communities that you can pass it down or pass it back. If you have an addiction, for example, you can be like 'I'm either going to pass this on to my kids by doing nothing about it...or I'll pass it back and say, hey Mom, Dad, you can keep this. I don't need this. And I'm definitely not giving it to my kids."
We’ve all heard stories about adult children struggling with relationships or well-being due to family trauma or dysfunction. But there’s freedom in realizing each parent (each adult, really) can start a new cycle—choosing awareness and growth over automatic reactions, breaking the chain of resentment, or learning to repair what’s broken instead of pretending nothing is wrong.
What Is “Repair,” Really? Why It Changes Everything
So often in therapy and even at home, families hope for conflict to disappear: no yelling, no tension, just calm days. But as Brittle emphasized, “Kids don’t need the absence of conflict. They need the presence of repair. They don’t need the absence of disharmony; they need to see what happens after disharmony”.
Repair means addressing what went wrong—owning one’s role, apologizing, making amends, and working to restore connection. It’s not about glossing over pain or pretending life is easy; it’s about demonstrating for children and spouses that intimacy grows from honest, healthy responses to mistakes and hurts.
A famous quote from Bessel van der Kolk, trauma expert and author, echoes this need for real relationship healing:
"The brain-disease model overlooks four fundamental truths: our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal on another. Restoring relationships and community is central to restoring well-being."
When families practice repair in place of shame or blame, they lay the foundation for true mental health—and fulfillment that lasts.
Family Stories: Everyday Repair, Everyday Ownership
Let me bring this down to a kitchen-table level. Brittle recounted a simple but transformative moment:
“We were clear about 10 years ago that our parenting goal was to make sure that we were in healthy relationships with our adult children. The first thing for each of us was recovery…If you ask anybody in our house what we’re good at as a family, we will say repair. All four of us will say we’re good at repair because we’re all hotheads and have very strong personalities. We’re all really different and feel strongly about the stuff we feel strongly about…Kids don’t need the absence of conflict; they need the presence of repair.”
Repair isn’t grand. Sometimes it’s admitting a mistake at dinner, taking a few breaths to own a harsh word, or asking a child or partner for patience while figuring something out. It might be, “I’m sorry for snapping earlier—I was tired and stressed, but that’s not your fault.” It might look like a pause and a reset during a tense moment, or a conscious decision to approach a tough conflict with humility rather than anger.
Modeling Repair: Role-Playing and Taking the Conversation Further
On the podcast, Brittle modeled a common couple’s argument—one partner arriving late to dinner, the other feeling hurt. Through role-playing, he showed how simple choices and healthy communication replace old, resentful patterns:
"You still always, 100% of the time, have a chance to make a chance that make the relationship better...The best thing we can do for our kids is deal with what is in a way that is healthy and responsible and models for them the choices that they have."
It’s powerful to realize that how we handle disappointment or frustration can directly teach children—and even demonstrate for a spouse—what repair and healthy boundaries look like.
One of my favorite quotes from famous literature speaks to modeling versus lecturing:
"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." -James Baldwin
If adults show real repair, kids learn how to recover and strengthen relationships rather than run from conflict or bottle up pain.
The Power of Ownership: Turning Resentment into Growth
Resentment is a toxic fuel in many families. It can feel protective—keeping score, guarding old hurts—but eventually, it isolates and hardens us. Brittle’s honesty about facing resentment was refreshing:
"To speak to resentment...I love talking about resentment. I love it. It is the centerpiece of my recovery process, grappling with my own relationship with resentment...what I can tell you is the lesson I learned was that when resentful, the best way that got me out of that is to own my own part."
Ownership is the opposite of defensiveness. It’s noticing one’s triggers, reflecting on childhood experiences (“Why is this so intense for me?”), and sharing—not dumping—one’s real feelings. It’s realizing, sometimes after a long fight or misunderstanding, that not every pain is caused by the present; it could be echoes of past hurts.
This practice builds personal fulfillment, because it frees us from old scripts and reactive cycles. It models bravery and emotional intelligence for the next generation—even when it feels uncomfortable.
Overcoming Shame and Practicing Empathy
One challenge that surfaced in the conversation is shame, both about past trauma and daily failures. Parents and couples often hide their struggles, believing they should just “know better.” But real progress comes from vulnerability and courageous honesty.
As Brittle put it, “There’s no illusions that somehow a happy marriage is even the goal. Healthy is, and healthy only comes from injury followed by rehab or getting things stronger when they’re broken and then they rehab. That’s actually how the human body works, that’s how I think about relationships.”
So if you’ve ever asked, “Is this all?” or worried about repeating cycles you vowed to avoid, try showing yourself empathy—instead of judgment. Famous writer Anne Lamott captures this so well:
"I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child."
That love grows deeper and truer when paired with acceptance of imperfection, an openness to repair, and the courage to own what needs healing.
Simple Steps to Build Repair and Fulfillment at Home
You might wonder, “Where do I start?” Here are some actionable, realistic steps for families and couples wanting more connection and wellness:
Notice Patterns: When tensions rise, ask yourself, “What am I bringing from my history right now? Is this about today—or yesterday?” Just noticing is the first repair.
Pause and Reflect: Before responding to a spouse or child, take a breath. Consider, “How can I model healthy handling of disappointment or conflict?”
Share, Don’t Attack: Use “I” statements (“I felt anxious when dinner was late”) instead of blame (“You’re always late!”). Own your experience.
Practice Amends: After a disagreement, circle back and apologize or clarify. Even saying, “I could have handled that better, and I’m working on it,” goes a long way.
Encourage Dialogue: Invite loved ones to share their feelings about recurring conflicts. Listen. Ask, “What would help you feel appreciated or supported right now?”.
Celebrate Repair: Point out when repair happens: “I’m proud of how we worked through that—this means a lot to me.” Reinforce what matters most.
Reparenting and Future Healing
A powerful exercise discussed was “reparenting”—imagining how you’d support your younger self through past pain, and then bringing that nurturing into current family relationships:
"Reparenting is when you go back from the position you're in right now...to the 13-year-old whose dad wasn't great, and who was really in need of a dad...whose dad set him up for failure in different wasys. Literally go back. Have a conversation from 52 and reparent that 13-year-old...Give him what he needs, give he what she needs."
Yes, it can sound “woo,” but it’s a path to self-compassion and healing. Try it with yourself, with your child, or as part of a guided session. It brings perspective and fresh choices for breaking cycles.
Building the Long Game: Repair Now for Connection Later
Parents are often caught between the urgency of present stress and the long-term hope for family connection—holiday dinners, adult children calling home, genuine intimacy that lasts. Brittle’s family set a unique goal:
"Our parenting goal was to make sure that we were in healthy relationships with your adult children...We started to prioritize what was the path to that."
Repair and ownership are legacy tools. Each moment of humility, honest sharing, or repairing a conflict becomes a thread in the tapestry of future connection.
Famous and Professional Wisdom That Applies
Consider these reassuring words:
“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn't.” – John Green, author
“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” – Anne Frank
“The best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong, allow them to experience life on their own terms, allow them to take the subway... let them be better people, let them believe more in themselves.” – Joyce Maynard
These quotes align with the heart of Fulfillment Therapy: guiding, supporting, and modeling resilience and healthy repair—without striving for punishing perfection or ignoring deep emotional needs.
Conclusion: Living with Purpose, Modeling Real Connection
If you’re feeling worn out by family stress, stuck in the same arguments, or anxious about passing down unhealthy patterns, the answer isn’t just trying harder. It’s learning to repair, to own your part, and to invite both clarity and kindness into daily life.
Living your “best life” isn’t about having every need met or presenting a conflict-free home. It’s about choosing repair and ownership, modeling emotional intelligence for your children, and fostering connections that nurture wellness for everyone involved.
As we build bridges of repair with our loved ones, we create legacies of fulfillment—ones that endure much longer than a pretty picture or well-intentioned checklist ever could. It starts with a small choice, a humble apology, a brave conversation, and the willingness to begin again.
Reach out to me anytime at hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org or join our community @fulfillmenttherapy for support, resources, and honest conversations. This is your space to heal, grow, and flourish, one meaningful step at a time.
To learn more or share your story, reach out anytime. You are not alone, and every step toward connection matters.
hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org or visit fulfillmenttherapy.org.
This is your space to heal and flourish.
With Love,
Kendra
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