Negative Core Beliefs: Are Childhood Patterns Disrupting Your Marriage? with Tarah & EJ Kerwin
Life can quickly become overwhelming—especially when love, parenting, work, and personal stress collide in ways you never expected. Tara and EJ Kerwin, founders of Relationship Renovation, know this all too well. Their journey from overwhelmed parents of four young kids (including twins with colic) to founders of a thriving couples counseling practice offers real hope for anyone struggling to build connection and fulfillment in family life. They remind us that even therapists face hardship and that with commitment, compassionate tools, and everyday effort, relationships can evolve and flourish.
The Reality of Struggle: When Love Meets Overwhelm
Tara’s story is raw and relatable: Nursing crying babies every hour with no breaks left her feeling defeated and resentful—even toward EJ, the man she loved. “I was like, how could you do this to me? I’m being punished for everything I’ve ever done bad,” she admits. Four kids under five years old forced Tara to stop working, and EJ to work late into the night. At their lowest point, Tara called EJ in tears and said if therapists like them were struggling, other couples must be too.
This crisis birthed their counseling practice in 2016. They realized their suffering wasn’t unique, but part of a universal human experience that could be transformed:
"Everybody's got a different story, a different stressor, a different past. But this is a process that we really believe can help a couple evolve together."
Building Emotional Safety: The Foundation of Connection
One of their central truths is that couples often feel uniquely broken, but the struggle is actually common. Their model starts by helping couples build compassion for one another’s trauma and emotional patterns formed in childhood:
"Couples really start to build compassion for one another and see each other in a different light...She just doesn't know how to regulate feelings of anger because if she did, that would not feel safe in a childhood home."
By understanding these deeper wounds, partners move from blame to empathy, creating emotional safety to face conflict without fearing relationship loss. Their mantra, “be patient for the wait,” reminds couples that growth is often uncomfortable but necessary.
The Power of Micro Moments and Daily Rituals
Tara and EJ emphasize connection isn’t about grand gestures but micro moments—brief exchanges of love and reassurance throughout the day:
A touch on the back during busy mornings
Eye contact with the words, “We got this, we’re in this together”
Brief emotional check-ins during daily routines
At first, these moments may feel forced, but with practice, they weave a safety net of trust and belonging. They also set “protected time” on their calendar daily—half an hour to meditate, share, and reconnect without distraction. This intentional prioritizing nurtures their bond amidst chaos.
Accepting Different Coping Styles
Their daily routines show how different personalities cause friction—and how acceptance and understanding bridge the gap. EJ powers through tasks internally, while Tara processes things outwardly and vocally:
"There has to be one, a level of acceptance. Like, I have to accept that this is what Tara does. She does it every single day. I just trust that things are going to get done."
This balance of acceptance and gentle encouragement transforms conflict into teamwork.
Managing Emotional Triggers with Compassionate Tools
A breakthrough tool is their “burnt toast” code word—a signal when someone is overwhelmed and needs space to regulate emotions before reacting. This prevents retraumatizing negative cycles.
They also recommend mindfulness methods like Tara Brock’s RAIN technique—Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture—to fully process feelings instead of avoiding them. EJ adds relational cognitive restructuring, helping partners trace emotional reactions back to core beliefs such as “I’m not enough” and replace them with affirming ones.
"When your partner can see all of tou and accept all of it and have compassion and then say, you are important. You are significant. Life changing."
Learning and Growing Through Challenge
Tara and EJ share that every relationship hits rough patches, but thriving couples face discomfort with courage and curiosity. They cultivate trust that the relationship can weather conflict without falling apart:
"We know we will get through it. It might be clunky, it might be uncomfortable, but there's no threat."
This growth mindset turns challenges into opportunities for deeper connection and self-awareness.
Practical Steps for Parents and Couples
Even without therapy, couples can start small:
Identify when you’re overwhelmed and take a “timeout” to regulate.
Use brief daily emotional check-ins to stay connected.
Practice micro moments of kindness and reassurance.
Accept and respect different coping styles.
Employ mindfulness techniques like RAIN to process triggers.
Prioritize “protected time” to reconnect without distractions.
These small but consistent tools lay the groundwork for lasting change.
Personal Responsibility: Who Do You Want to Be?
EJ highlights a crucial idea for healing:
" Who do you want to be? You don't have control over what others do or how your partner acts, but you can decide who you want to be in this relationship and in your life."
This question roots us in personal accountability while fostering compassion for ourselves and others.
Closing Thoughts: The Journey Toward Fulfillment Together
Tara and EJ’s story reminds us that no relationship is perfect, but with daily commitment, vulnerability, and compassion, connection and fulfillment are possible—even in the busiest and hardest seasons. They show us that love is an active practice, built through micro moments and mutual understanding.
As you navigate your family’s challenges, remember: every small act of empathy, patience, and honest communication builds resilience and deepens your bond. When we accept ourselves and each other fully, we create the foundation for a meaningful, joyful life together.
If you want to explore these tools and ideas further, check out Relationship Renovation’s emotional safety questionnaire and podcast at relationshiprenovation.com.
Thank you, Tara and EJ, for sharing your wisdom and heart. Their journey reminds us all: flourishing family life is absolutely worth the work.
"Vulnerability is the birth place of innovation, creativity, and change." -Berne Brown
To learn more or share your story, reach out anytime. You are not alone, and every step toward connection matters.
hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org or visit fulfillmenttherapy.org.
This is your space to heal and flourish.
With Love,
Kendra
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
Connect with Kendra:🤗
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