The Burden of Silence: My Biggest Secret and Its Deadly Consequences
If you’re like me, you’ve probably spent more than a few late nights thinking about how to give your kids the best shot at a happy, healthy life. Maybe you’ve read the parenting books, tried the family rituals, and even caught yourself repeating phrases you swore you’d never say. But what if the secret to true family fulfillment and mental wellness isn’t just about what we do for our children-but also about the healing we do for ourselves?
Today, I want to talk about something that’s both deeply personal and universally relevant: the impact of generational trauma on our families, and how we as parents can be the ones to break the cycle. This isn’t just about surviving our pasts; it’s about forging a new path for our children and ourselves-a path toward genuine connection, fulfillment, and mental well-being.
Understanding Generational Trauma: More Than Just a Buzzword
Generational trauma isn’t just a clinical term-it’s the invisible thread that weaves through families, sometimes for centuries. It’s the unspoken pain, the patterns of behavior, and the emotional wounds that get passed down, often without anyone ever talking about them. As one guest on a recent podcast episode put it,
"Your pain didn't start with you, but it can end with you."
For many parents, the realization that we’re carrying more than just our own burdens can be both overwhelming and empowering. It’s a call to action-a chance to rewrite the story for ourselves and our children.
How Trauma Shows Up in Parenting
If you’ve ever found yourself reacting more strongly than you’d like to your child’s meltdown, or noticed a familiar pattern of avoidance or anger in your family, you’re not alone. Trauma doesn’t always announce itself with a bang; sometimes it shows up in the quiet moments, in the way we handle stress, or in the stories we don’t tell.
As trauma expert Dr. Gabor Mate explains,
"Children don't get traumatized because they are hurt. They get traumatized because they're alone with the hurt."
When we, as parents, are still carrying unhealed wounds, it can be hard to be fully present for our children’s big emotions. This isn’t about blame-it’s about awareness and compassion, both for ourselves and for our kids.
The Ripple Effect: Family Wellness and Emotional Fulfillment
Family wellness isn’t just about the absence of conflict or the presence of laughter. It’s about creating an environment where everyone feels safe, seen, and supported. Research shows that family rituals and open communication play a crucial role in developing a positive self-image and emotional resilience in children5. When we take steps to heal our own pain, we create space for healthier relationships and deeper fulfillment within our families.
As one podcast guest shared, “This episode is not just about survival but also about breaking cycles of generational abuse and forging a new path for our children and future generations”. That’s the heart of the work: moving from surviving to thriving, both for ourselves and for those we love.
Breaking the Silence: Why Talking Matters
One of the most powerful tools we have as parents is our willingness to talk-honestly, openly, and without shame. Silence can be a breeding ground for misunderstanding and pain, while conversation can be a catalyst for healing.
"People start to heal the moment they feel heard,"
says Cheryl Richardson. Whether it’s sharing our own stories with our children in age-appropriate ways, or seeking out support from friends, therapists, or support groups, the act of speaking can be transformative.
Practical Steps for Healing and Growth
Healing generational trauma is a journey, not a destination. Here are some steps you can take to start or continue your own path toward family fulfillment and mental wellness:
Acknowledge the Past: Recognize the patterns and stories that have shaped your family. This doesn’t mean blaming previous generations, but understanding the context.
Seek Support: Therapy, support groups, and trusted friends can provide the safe space needed to process difficult emotions.
Practice Self-Compassion: Healing takes time and patience. As Jasmin Lee Cori writes, “Healing from trauma is a process, not an event”.
Prioritize Connection: Make time for family rituals, honest conversations, and shared experiences. These moments build trust and resilience.
Educate Yourself: Learn about trauma, its effects, and strategies for healing. Knowledge is empowering.
Model Vulnerability: Show your children that it’s okay to have big feelings and to ask for help.
Stories of Hope: Real Parents, Real Change
Emma, a mother who began healing her own generational trauma while raising her children, shared on a recent podcast, “I realized that my father’s pain was never really his alone-and that the only way forward was to face it, not run from it”. Her story is a reminder that healing is possible, even when the wounds feel ancient.
Another parent reflected, “I feared putting a child through more pain than I had gone through. Yet the more I tried to avoid acting like the men in my childhood, the more them I seemed to become”. This honest admission underscores the truth that avoidance often perpetuates the very patterns we hope to break.
The Power of Family Rituals and Connection
Family rituals-whether it’s a weekly game night, a shared meal, or bedtime stories-aren’t just fun traditions. They’re foundational practices that foster a sense of belonging and security for children. These rituals provide opportunities for open communication, empathy, and validation, all of which are essential for emotional well-being.
As Maya Angelou so beautifully put it,
"I sustain myself with the love of family."
That love, when nurtured and protected, becomes a powerful antidote to the wounds of the past.
Building Resilience: Teaching Our Children to Thrive
One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to bounce back from adversity. Resilience isn’t about never experiencing pain; it’s about having the tools and support to move through it.
“Trauma is a result of an overwhelming sense of danger, powerlessness, and fear. Healing is a result of feeling safe, empowered, and supported”. By creating a home environment where children feel safe and empowered, we lay the groundwork for lifelong mental health and fulfillment.
When to Seek Professional Help
There’s no shame in reaching out for help. In fact, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapists, counselors, and support groups can offer guidance, validation, and practical tools for healing.
As Dr. Judith Lewis Herman reminds us, “Trauma can act as a catalyst for personal growth and self-discovery”. Sometimes, that growth requires the support of a trained professional.
Embracing the Journey: Growth, Setbacks, and Self-Compassion
Healing isn’t linear. There will be days when old wounds resurface, or when you feel like you’re back at square one. That’s normal.
"When it feels disheartening to learn that trauma changes the brain, remember that healing changes the brain, too."
Give yourself grace. Celebrate the small victories. Remember that every step you take toward healing is a step toward greater fulfillment-not just for you, but for your entire family.
Quotes to Carry With You
“Your pain didn’t start with you, but it can end with you”7.
“People start to heal the moment they feel heard”3.
“I sustain myself with the love of family” – Maya Angelou5.
“Healing from trauma is a process, not an event” – Jasmin Lee Cori4.
“Trauma is a result of an overwhelming sense of danger, powerlessness, and fear. Healing is a result of feeling safe, empowered, and supported”3.
Conclusion: A New Chapter for You and Your Family
As we strive to live our best lives, it’s tempting to focus only on the future-on the goals we want to achieve and the dreams we have for our children. But sometimes, the most powerful way forward is to look back with compassion, acknowledge what’s been carried, and make the brave choice to heal.
Breaking the cycle of generational trauma isn’t about erasing the past; it’s about honoring your story and choosing a different path for yourself and your family. The journey is ongoing, filled with both challenges and moments of profound connection. But every step you take is a testament to your courage, your love, and your commitment to building a legacy of wellness and fulfillment.
So tonight, as you tuck your kids into bed or sit quietly with your own thoughts, remember: you have the power to change the story. And in doing so, you’re not just healing yourself-you’re giving your family the greatest gift of all: the chance to thrive.
With warmth and hope,
Kendra Nielson
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
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