Could Your Parenting Habits Be Fueling Resentment and Disconnection at Home?
Are you striving to live your best life, only to find yourself stuck in a cycle of exhaustion and frustration at home? Maybe you’re the one who always remembers the appointments, manages the endless to-do lists, and picks up the pieces when things fall through the cracks. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. So many parents and partners find themselves feeling unappreciated, burned out, and wondering if there’s a better way to create true fulfillment and mental wellness for themselves and their families.
Today, let’s talk about a subtle but powerful relationship trap that can quietly erode our happiness: treating our loved ones as if they’re less capable than they really are. It’s a pattern that drains energy, breeds resentment, and chips away at the trust and respect that families need to thrive. But here’s the good news-when you shift your mindset and start seeing your spouse, kids, and even yourself as capable, everything changes. You build more trust, lighten your mental load, and open the door to deeper connection and fulfillment.
Why “I’ll Just Do It Myself” Isn’t the Solution
Let’s start with a story. A client came to me completely exhausted after years of carrying the mental load for her family. One evening, she asked her husband to help with the laundry. He accidentally put bleach in with the colored clothes, then shrugged and said, “I’m not good at this stuff.” Out of frustration, she took over-again. Sound familiar?
This is a classic example of what’s often called weaponized incompetence: when someone pretends to be incapable of a task to avoid responsibility, leaving someone else to pick up the slack. Most of the time, it’s not even a conscious tactic-it’s a learned behavior, a way to dodge conflict or effort. But the result is always the same: one person ends up overburdened, and the other never learns or grows.
"When we treat our loved ones as if they can't handle things, it really does chip away at their motivation and their self-esteem." (Podcast Episode 276)
This dynamic can show up in all sorts of ways. Maybe your spouse always messes up the grocery shopping, so you stop asking. Or your child “forgets” how to make their own lunch, so you do it for them every morning. Over time, these patterns become ingrained, and everyone loses out.
The Ripple Effects: Resentment, Disconnection, and Lost Fulfillment
Psychology Today notes that weaponized incompetence breeds frustration, resentment, distrust, and conflict in relationships-at home, at work, and beyond. When one person always takes over, it builds resentment on both sides. The “doer” feels overburdened and unappreciated, while the other feels untrusted or even infantilized.
This cycle can be passed down through generations. Maybe you saw your mom or grandmother treating their spouse or kids as if they were incapable, and now you find yourself doing the same. Or perhaps you’re on the receiving end, feeling like you can never measure up, so you stop trying altogether.
"When children are constantly doubted or criticized, they start to believe they can't succeed, and that often leads to self-fulfilling prophecies where they stop trying." (Podcast Episode 276)
The invisible workload-especially for women and parents-can become overwhelming. You end up shouldering tasks that should be shared, costing you precious time and energy. And the more you do, the less others feel empowered to contribute, creating a cycle that’s hard to break.
Why We Fall Into This Trap
Why does this happen? Sometimes, it’s just easier in the moment to do things ourselves. Maybe we have high standards or a certain way we like things done. Other times, we might be trying to avoid conflict, or we simply don’t trust others to handle things.
But here’s the thing: when we constantly step in, we unintentionally send the message that our loved ones aren’t capable. Over time, this erodes their confidence and motivation. As Sam Keen wisely said,
"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
Everyone is going to make mistakes. The goal isn’t perfection-it’s growth, trust, and teamwork.
Recognizing the Signs in Your Own Family
So how do you know if this is happening in your home? Here are a few signs:
One person consistently “forgets” or messes up certain tasks, even after being shown how to do them.
Family members show little interest in learning or improving their skills.
You find yourself micromanaging or redoing others’ work because it’s “not right.”
There’s ongoing resentment, frustration, or a sense of disconnect between family members.
If any of this sounds familiar, it’s time to take a step back and ask: Could I be contributing to this pattern? Am I treating my spouse or kids as if they’re less capable than they really are?
The Power of Trust and Letting Go
The antidote to this cycle is simple but not always easy: start seeing others as capable, even when they make mistakes. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. As psychologist Joyce Brothers put it, “The best proof of love is trust.”
When you allow your loved ones to try, fail, and learn, you build their confidence and competence. You also lighten your own load and create a more balanced, fulfilling family dynamic.
"Letting go of some of that control builds trust, respect, and enthusiasm in your home. All your family members need that to thrive." (Podcast Episode 276)
This doesn’t mean lowering your standards or ignoring important responsibilities. It means focusing on effort and progress, not just results. Celebrate small wins and acknowledge your loved ones’ contributions, even if things aren’t perfect.
Practical Steps to Shift the Dynamic
Ready to make a change? Here are some actionable strategies you can start using today:
1. Communicate Openly and Honestly
Talk to your family about how you’re feeling. Share your desire for more balance and fulfillment, and invite them to be part of the solution. Use “I” statements to express your needs without blaming.
2. Set Clear Expectations
Be specific about what needs to be done and how often. If you want your partner to handle the laundry, explain what that involves and why it matters to you. Make sure everyone understands their roles.
3. Allow Room for Mistakes
Mistakes are part of learning. Resist the urge to step in or criticize when things aren’t done your way. Offer guidance and encouragement, but let others take ownership.
4. Focus on Effort and Progress
Notice and acknowledge your loved ones’ efforts, not just the outcome. “I appreciate you taking this on” or “Thank you for your help” goes a long way.
5. Model the Behavior You Want to See
Show your family what it looks like to try, fail, and keep going. Share your own struggles and growth, and invite others to do the same.
6. Celebrate Small Wins
Every step forward deserves recognition. Whether your child makes their own lunch or your partner remembers to pick up groceries, celebrate the progress.
7. Seek Support When Needed
Sometimes, breaking old patterns requires outside help. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or coach for guidance and accountability.
Real-Life Transformations
Let’s go back to the story I started with. Instead of taking over the laundry forever, my client calmly explained why it mattered to her and then stepped back. Over the next few weeks, her husband handled the laundry-even when socks came out pink. Gradually, he started asking more questions, learning, and eventually taking more ownership. Their relationship began to feel more like a partnership, and she felt lighter and more respected.
Another client started letting her husband manage the family budget, even when he made small mistakes. Over time, he became more engaged and confident. Her daughter, who used to avoid helping with dinner, started taking pride in her independence once her efforts were acknowledged and encouraged.
"As you give your family greater respect and treat them as competent and capable, you and your family really will flourish. But it begins with you." (Podcast Episode 276)
Famous Words to Inspire Your Journey
Sometimes, a few wise words are all we need to shift our perspective. Here are a couple of my favorites:
"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." - Benjamin Spock
"The greatest gift you can give your family is a healthy you." - Joyce Meyer
Creating a Culture of Capability and Fulfillment
Changing old patterns isn’t always comfortable, but it’s the key to building a home where everyone feels valued, capable, and fulfilled. When you let go of the need to control every detail and start trusting your family to step up, you create space for growth, connection, and true wellness.
Remember, fulfillment isn’t about doing everything yourself or making sure everything is perfect. It’s about building relationships based on trust, respect, and shared responsibility. It’s about seeing each other’s strengths, celebrating progress, and supporting each other through the ups and downs.
As you work to create more balance and fulfillment in your family, keep these ideas in mind:
See others as capable, even when they make mistakes.
Focus on effort and progress, not just results.
Communicate openly and set clear expectations.
Celebrate small wins and acknowledge contributions.
Seek support when needed and model the behavior you want to see.
A New Kind of Fulfillment
If you’re ready to live your best life, start by looking at the dynamics in your own home. Are you carrying more than your share? Are you treating your loved ones as if they’re less capable than they really are? Or are you empowering them to grow, learn, and contribute?
The path to personal and family fulfillment isn’t about doing more-it’s about doing things differently. It’s about building trust, letting go of perfectionism, and creating a culture where everyone feels valued and capable.
So, as you move forward, remember: the most fulfilling families are the ones where everyone has a role, everyone is trusted, and everyone’s efforts are celebrated. That’s the kind of home where true mental health, wellness, and happiness can flourish.
If this message resonated with you, share it with someone you love. And if you’re ready for more support, check out our courses and coaching at fulfillmenttherapy.org. Let’s build a life-and a family-that feels truly fulfilling, together.
Have you noticed these patterns in your own home? What’s one small step you can take this week to start shifting the dynamic? Let me know in the comments or reach out-I’d love to hear your story and support your journey to greater fulfillment.
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
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