What Happens When Parents Do Too Much? The Surprising Mental Health Effects on Adults
Trying to Live Your Best Life-But Feeling Stuck?
You’re doing your best to live a full, meaningful life. You want to be a confident parent, a loving spouse, and someone who wakes up with a sense of purpose. But sometimes, despite your best intentions, you feel stuck-like you’re running on fumes, second-guessing every decision, and wondering why you can’t just relax and trust yourself. If you grew up with a helicopter parent-one who hovered, worried, and did everything for you-this feeling might be more familiar than you realize.
I’ve been there with my clients, and I know how frustrating it is to want more fulfillment and wellness for your family, only to find old patterns holding you back. Today, let’s talk about what it’s really like to be an adult who was raised by a helicopter parent, how it can impact your mental health and relationships, and most importantly, how we can break free and create a new legacy for ourselves and our kids.
The Helicopter Parent Effect: More Than Just a Buzzword
The term “helicopter parent” might sound like a punchline, but for those of us who grew up with one, it’s no joke. Helicopter parenting is when a parent is excessively involved in their child’s life-swooping in to solve every problem, shield from every disappointment, and manage every detail. The intention is usually love and protection, but the outcome can be anxiety, self-doubt, and a lingering fear that the world is unsafe.
One of my clients once described it perfectly:
"It's like I was raised in a bubble where nothing could go wrong, but now that I'm out in the real world, everything feels overwhelming."
If you relate, you’re not alone.
How Helicopter Parenting Shapes Us as Adults
Growing up with a helicopter parent can leave deep marks that show up in subtle-and not-so-subtle-ways. Research consistently shows that helicopter parenting is linked to increased anxiety, depression, and a decrease in overall wellbeing. As adults, we might notice:
Difficulty making decisions: When someone else always made choices for us, it’s hard to trust our own judgment.
Fear of failure: If we were shielded from mistakes, even small setbacks can feel catastrophic.
Low self-efficacy: We may doubt our ability to handle challenges, leading to feelings of helplessness or futility.
Over-dependence: It’s easy to slip into patterns of seeking approval or reassurance from others, even as grown-ups.
As psychologist Chris Meno puts it, “Over-involved ‘helicopter parenting’ is taking a serious toll on the psychological well-being of college students who have not begun to negotiate a balance between asking for consultation and independent decision making”. That struggle doesn’t magically disappear after college. It can follow us into our roles as parents and spouses, shaping how we relate to our own families.
The Hidden Signs: Are You Still Living in the Shadow of a Helicopter Parent?
Sometimes, the signs are obvious-like calling your own parent for advice on every little thing, or feeling paralyzed when faced with a tough choice. Other times, they’re more subtle:
Avoiding conflict: If you never learned how to handle disagreements, you might shy away from tough conversations with your spouse or kids.
Micromanaging your own children: Without realizing it, you might hover over your kids, repeating the same patterns you grew up with.
Struggling with boundaries: If your parent was always involved, it can feel unnatural to set limits or say “no”-to them, to your kids, or even to yourself.
A client once told me,
"I catch myself wanting to fix every problem for my child, just like my mom did for me. I know it's not helping, but it's so hard to stop."
If this sounds familiar, take heart. Awareness is the first step to change.
The Emotional Toll: Anxiety, Depression, and the Quest for Fulfillment
Helicopter parenting isn’t just annoying-it can have serious consequences for our mental health. Studies have found that adults raised by helicopter parents are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and even substance use issues. When we’re told (directly or indirectly) that the world is unsafe and that we can’t handle it on our own, it’s no wonder we feel overwhelmed.
Dr. Deborah Gilboa, a family physician and resilience expert, says,
"Experiencing failure and overcoming challenges teach children new skills and, crucially, that they are capable of handling setbacks."
Without those experiences, we’re left feeling unprepared and anxious as adults. But it’s not all doom and gloom. Recognizing these patterns gives us the power to change them-and to create a healthier, more fulfilling life for ourselves and our families.
The Cycle Continues: How Helicopter Parenting Shows Up in Our Own Families
One of the hardest truths to face is that we often repeat what we know, even when we swore we wouldn’t. If you grew up with a helicopter parent, you might find yourself:
Over-involved in your child’s schoolwork or friendships: Maybe you’re emailing teachers about grades or stepping in to resolve playground disputes.
Trying to “fix” everything for your spouse: You might feel responsible for their happiness or try to shield them from disappointment.
Struggling to let your kids or partner make mistakes: The urge to protect can be overwhelming, but it can also rob them of growth and confidence.
As one of my clients shared, “I realized I was doing my child’s science project for them-not because they needed help, but because I couldn’t stand the thought of them failing.” It’s a tough habit to break, but it’s possible.
Why Do We Repeat the Pattern?
It’s easy to beat ourselves up for repeating the same mistakes our parents made. But there’s a reason these patterns are so sticky. Helicopter parenting often comes from a place of love and fear-a desire to protect, combined with anxiety about the unknown. When we’re raised in that environment, it becomes our “normal.” We might not even realize there’s another way.
As Dr. Haim Ginott, a pioneering child psychologist, once said,
"Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression."
The impressions made by helicopter parenting run deep, but they’re not set in stone.
Breaking Free: Steps Toward Independence and Fulfillment
So, how do we break free from the grip of helicopter parenting-both as adult children and as parents ourselves? Here are some steps that have helped my clients (and myself):
1. Awareness and Self-Compassion
Change starts with noticing. Pay attention to the moments when you feel anxious, controlling, or unsure. Instead of judging yourself, get curious. Where did this feeling come from? What message did you receive growing up?
Self-compassion is key. Remember, you’re not alone-and you’re not broken. You’re responding to years of training.
2. Setting Boundaries
Boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to being enmeshed with your parents or kids. Start small: say “no” to things that don’t serve you, or let your child handle a minor problem on their own.
As one client learned,
"Setting boundaries with my mom was scary, but it gave me space to figure out who I am."
3. Letting Others Experience Natural Consequences
It’s tempting to step in and save the day, but real growth happens when we allow ourselves-and our loved ones-to face the results of our actions. If your child forgets their homework, let them experience the consequences. If your spouse is struggling with a work issue, offer support without taking over.
“Children of helicopter parents have higher levels of anxiety because they have been protected their whole life and get anxious when challenged,” says a leading therapist. Letting go is an act of love, not neglect.
4. Building Self-Efficacy
Self-efficacy is the belief that we can handle what life throws at us. Start by making small decisions on your own, trying new things, and celebrating your successes-even the tiny ones. Over time, your confidence will grow.
5. Seeking Support
Therapy can be a game-changer, whether you’re working through your own experiences or trying to parent differently. A professional can help you untangle old patterns, build new skills, and find the courage to try something new.
The Power of Story: Real-Life Change
Let me share a story that still gives me goosebumps. One of my clients, a devoted parent and spouse, spent years feeling anxious and unsure-always waiting for someone else to tell her what to do. She remembered her own mother stepping in at every turn, fixing every mistake before it could happen. As an adult, she found herself doing the same for her kids, even though she knew it wasn’t helping.
Through therapy and a lot of self-reflection, she started making small changes. She let her child handle a tough friendship issue without intervening. She made a family decision without calling her mom for advice. Each step felt terrifying, but also exhilarating.
One day, her child came home, beaming with pride after solving a problem on their own. My client realized she had finally broken the cycle-not just for herself, but for her family. She told me,
"For the first time, I feel like I'm living my own life-not just the one my mom planned for me."
Alternative Parenting Styles: Finding What Works for Your Family
If helicopter parenting isn’t working, what’s the alternative? Parenting experts describe several styles, but two stand out as healthy alternatives:
Authoritative Parenting: This style balances warmth and structure. Authoritative parents set clear expectations but also encourage independence and problem-solving.
Free-Range Parenting: This approach gives kids room to explore and learn from their own experiences, while still providing support and guidance3.
Both styles promote resilience, creativity, and self-confidence-qualities that lead to greater fulfillment for the whole family.
As Dr. Deborah Gilboa reminds us, “It’s a tricky line to find-to be engaged with our children and their lives, but not so meshed that we lose perspective on what they need.”
Practical Strategies for Everyday Life
Breaking free from helicopter parenting isn’t just a big-picture goal-it’s a series of small, daily choices. Here are a few strategies that can help:
Offer choices instead of instructions: Instead of telling your child what to do, ask, “What do you think is the best solution?”
Encourage problem-solving: When your child or spouse faces a challenge, resist the urge to fix it. Offer support, but let them take the lead.
Celebrate independence: Notice and praise moments when your family members handle things on their own.
Practice self-care: Managing your own anxiety and stress is essential. Mindfulness, exercise, and connecting with supportive friends can make a big difference.
Communicate openly: Share your journey with your family. Let them know you’re working on changing old patterns, and invite them to join you.
When the Past Shows Up: Dealing with Your Own Parents
What if your helicopter parent is still hovering, even now? Setting boundaries with your own parent can be challenging, but it’s possible. Be clear about what you need, and communicate with kindness but firmness. Remember, you’re not responsible for their feelings-you’re responsible for your own wellbeing. If you’re struggling, therapy can provide tools and support for navigating these tricky relationships.
The Silver Lining: What We Gain by Breaking the Cycle
It’s easy to focus on the negatives of helicopter parenting, but there’s a silver lining. By recognizing these patterns and working to change them, we become more intentional, compassionate, and resilient. We learn to trust ourselves-and to trust our kids and partners, too.
As the poet Kahlil Gibran wrote,
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."
Our job isn’t to control every shot, but to provide a strong foundation and let our loved ones soar.
Conclusion: Writing a New Chapter
Trying to live your best life after growing up with a helicopter parent isn’t about blaming the past-it’s about understanding it, and then choosing something different. The journey isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. Each step toward independence, confidence, and connection brings us closer to the fulfillment and wellness we crave for ourselves and our families.
If you’ve ever felt stuck, anxious, or unsure, know that you’re not alone-and that change is possible. By breaking the cycle, we not only heal ourselves but also give our kids and partners the gift of trust, resilience, and true connection.
Let’s write a new chapter together-one where we support, encourage, and empower each other to live our fullest, most authentic lives.
Quotes from the Episode and Experts:
"Experiencing failure and overcoming challenges teach children new skills and, crucially, that they are capable of handling setbacks."– Dr. Deborah Gilboa
"Children of helicopter parents have higher levels of anxiety because they have been protected their whole life and get anxious when challenged." – Choosing Therapy
"Over-involved 'helicopter parenting' is taking a serious toll on the psychological well-being of college students who have not begun to negotiate a balance between asking for consultation and independent decision making."– Chris Meno, Indiana University
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."– Kahlil Gibran
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
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