Resentment, Burnout, and Dependency: The Emotional Toll of Enabling in Families
Have you ever found yourself wishing your family could thrive just a little more-feel more connected, resilient, and confident? Maybe you’re already doing everything you can to support your spouse or kids, but something still feels off. I’ve been there, both as a parent and a therapist. Sometimes, in our quest to create the best possible life for our loved ones, we accidentally step into a trap that quietly erodes fulfillment and mental wellness: enabling.
Today, I want to talk about how shifting from enabling to empowering can radically improve your family’s happiness and mental health. This isn’t just about tough love or “letting go”-it’s about building the kind of relationships where everyone feels capable, valued, and ready to take on life’s challenges.
Let’s explore what enabling really is, how to spot it in your own life, and-most importantly-how to make changes that foster true growth and fulfillment for you and your family.
What Does Enabling Really Mean?
Enabling is one of those words that gets tossed around a lot, but what does it actually look like in everyday family life? At its core, enabling is when we help others in ways that prevent them from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions. It’s like being a safety net that’s always there, so your loved ones never have to learn how to land on their own.
"Enabling is when we support others in ways that prevent them from facing the consequences of their actions and, that uninentionally fosts dependency and unhealthy behaviors."
I see this all the time with clients and, honestly, in my own home. It’s not about bad intentions-most enabling is rooted in deep love and a desire to protect. But the result is often the opposite of what we hope for: our kids, spouses, or even ourselves end up feeling less confident, less capable, and more dependent.
The Slippery Slope: How Enabling Shows Up
Enabling isn’t always obvious. Sometimes it’s dramatic-like bailing out adult children financially or constantly rescuing a spouse from their mistakes. Other times, it’s subtle: bringing forgotten homework to school, smoothing over every social conflict for your child, or making excuses for your partner’s lack of participation at home.
Let me share a story that might sound familiar. One of my clients, an incredible mom, found herself constantly helping her adult children-watching their kids, covering their bills, letting them live on her property rent-free. She loved her children fiercely, but over time, she noticed a growing resentment and exhaustion. Her kids expected her help, and she felt trapped.
"She's put herself in this situation where they are continuing to take and take from her because she keeps giving and giving."
This is the heart of enabling: giving so much that you lose yourself, and your loved ones lose the chance to grow.
Why We Enable-and Why It Backfires
If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. Parents and partners enable for all kinds of reasons:
Love and protection: We want to spare our loved ones pain or failure.
Guilt or fear: Maybe we’re afraid they’ll struggle, or that their mistakes reflect on us.
Habit: Sometimes, it’s just what we’ve always done.
But here’s the hard truth: enabling sends the message that our loved ones can’t handle life on their own. Over time, this erodes their self-esteem and sense of agency.
"Constantly enabling can erode self-esteem by implying that person is incapable of handling those situations."
Not only does this stunt their growth, but it also breeds resentment-both in you and in them. As the famous educator Jane Nelsen put it:
"Turn control over to young people as soon as possible, so they have power over their own lives."
- Jane Nelsen
When we hold on too tightly, we keep our loved ones from discovering what they’re truly capable of.
Spotting Enabling in Your Family
So how do you know if you’re enabling rather than empowering? Here are some common signs:
Making excuses for someone else’s mistakes or lack of effort.
Shielding loved ones from the consequences of their actions (e.g., paying bills, covering up missed deadlines).
Taking over responsibilities that should belong to someone else (like doing your child’s homework or your partner’s chores).
Feeling resentful or burnt out from giving too much.
I’ll be honest-I’ve caught myself in these patterns, too. My daughter, who’s grown up with two therapist parents, recently called me out (in the most loving way) for stepping in too quickly:
“Mom, I can’t get to that to help you right now, and I know you like things done quickly, but please don’t do it for me. And then get frustrated and resentful because you jumped in to do it before I did it.”
She was right. We negotiated a compromise, and it was a powerful reminder that letting go is often the best gift we can give.
The Hidden Costs of Enabling
Enabling doesn’t just affect your loved ones-it takes a toll on you, too. Here’s what I see most often in families:
Burnout and resentment: When you’re always giving, you eventually run out of steam. Resentment builds, and relationships suffer.
Dependency: Your kids or spouse come to expect your help, making it harder for them to stand on their own.
Stunted personal growth: Without the chance to struggle and fail, your loved ones miss out on essential learning experiences.
Mental health struggles: Over-enabling can contribute to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem-not just in your family, but in yourself.
As Naomi Sternberg wisely said:
"A parent who continously rescues his child is trying to rescue himself from the pain of seeing his child self-destruct."
It’s natural to want to protect your family from pain, but sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let them face it.
From Enabling to Empowering: What’s the Difference?
If enabling is about shielding our loved ones, empowerment is about equipping them. It’s teaching skills, setting boundaries, and allowing natural consequences to do their work.
"Empowering involves teaching skills and promoting that self-reliance, while enabling shields people from consequences."
Here’s how you can start making the shift:
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t about being harsh-they’re about communicating what’s okay and what’s not. This might mean:
Letting your child handle their own conflicts, with your support (not intervention).
Expecting your spouse to contribute at home, and not covering for them when they don’t.
Saying no to financial requests that don’t come with accountability.
2. Encourage Responsibility
Give your kids (and partner) real responsibilities, appropriate for their age and abilities. Let them manage their own chores, homework, or finances. Yes, they’ll make mistakes-but that’s how they learn.
3. Allow Natural Consequences
It’s hard to watch our loved ones struggle, but experiencing the results of their choices is the most powerful teacher. My daughter recently faced a big bill at school because she hadn’t been honest about extracurricular costs. As much as I wanted to fix it, my husband and I let her handle it. She had to talk to her teachers, work extra hours, and figure it out. That lesson will stick far longer than any lecture.
4. Communicate Openly
Have honest conversations about what everyone needs and expects. Family council meetings can be a great way to discuss boundaries, responsibilities, and how to support each other without enabling.
5. Seek Support When Needed
Sometimes, changing family dynamics requires help from a professional. Therapy isn’t just for crises-it’s a powerful tool for building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Practical Tips for Empowering Your Family
Ready to make some changes? Here are a few steps you can start today:
Hold regular family meetings to talk about responsibilities and boundaries.
Let kids make age-appropriate decisions-and let them experience the results.
Resist the urge to rescue when things get tough. Offer support, but don’t take over.
Model self-care and assertiveness so your family sees what healthy boundaries look like.
Apologize and adjust if you realize you’ve been enabling. It’s never too late to change.
And remember, as Dr. Robin Gobbel says:
"Enabling involves justifying or indirectly supporting someone else's potenitally harmful behavior."
When you notice yourself justifying or making excuses, pause and ask: Am I helping, or am I holding them back?
Empowerment in Action: Real-Life Examples
Let’s bring this to life with a couple of examples:
Empowering Your Child:
Instead of bringing forgotten homework to school every time, let your child experience the consequence of a late assignment. Support them emotionally, but don’t fix the problem. Over time, they’ll learn to take responsibility and plan ahead.
Empowering Your Spouse:
If your partner isn’t contributing at home, have an honest conversation about expectations. Don’t cover for them or make excuses to others. Allow them to face the discomfort of unmet responsibilities-and encourage them to step up.
The Ripple Effect: How Empowerment Builds Fulfillment
When you shift from enabling to empowering, amazing things start to happen:
Your loved ones become more confident and resilient.
Relationships grow stronger, with less resentment and more respect.
Everyone’s mental health improves, thanks to clear boundaries and a sense of agency.
You feel more fulfilled, knowing you’re helping your family grow-not just survive.
As A. Khan wisely put it:
"If we want children to take responsibility for their own behavior, we must first give them responsibility."
This applies to spouses, too. When we trust our loved ones to handle their own lives, we give them the greatest gift: belief in themselves.
Coming Full Circle: Living Your Best Family Life
Remember how we started-wanting to live your best life and see your family truly thrive? The path isn’t in doing more or rescuing faster. It’s in stepping back, setting boundaries, and trusting your loved ones to rise to the occasion.
This isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight. But every small step you take toward empowerment builds a foundation of fulfillment, resilience, and genuine connection.
So the next time you feel the urge to swoop in and save the day, pause. Ask yourself: Am I helping, or am I holding them back? Then, choose the path that leads to growth-for them and for you.
You’re not alone on this journey. We’re all learning, stumbling, and growing together. Here’s to building families that are strong, confident, and truly fulfilled.
If you’d like more support or want to connect with others on this path, check out our courses and resources at Fulfillment Therapy. Let’s keep moving forward, one empowered step at a time.
Do you have questions about enabling, empowerment, or family fulfillment? I’d love to hear from you-leave a comment or reach out anytime!
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
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