Are Your Actions and Beliefs Sending Mixed Messages to Your Family?
How Cognitive Dissonance Can Transform Your Life and Relationships
Have you ever caught yourself lying to your kids about Santa Claus, even though you deeply value honesty? Or maybe you’ve snapped at your partner, even though you pride yourself on being patient and kind. If so, you’re not alone. In our pursuit of living our best lives—full of personal and family fulfillment, mental wellness, and authentic relationships—there’s a common, uncomfortable feeling that crops up when our actions and beliefs don’t quite match. That feeling is called cognitive dissonance, and while it’s uncomfortable, it’s also a powerful tool for growth.
Today I want to talk to you like I would a close friend—honestly, openly, and with the hope that you’ll walk away with a little more clarity and confidence in your journey toward fulfillment for yourself and your family.
What Is Cognitive Dissonance, and Why Does It Matter?
Cognitive dissonance is that uneasy tension you feel when your beliefs and your actions are at odds. It can show up in big and small ways in our lives. Maybe you believe in being a calm, patient parent but find yourself yelling at your kids after a long day. Or perhaps you value equality in your relationship but notice you’re always the one picking up after everyone else.
As I said in a recent episode of Fulfillment Therapy, “It’s that uncomfortable feeling when our beliefs and our behaviors clash. Or another way to say it: it’s that feeling that doesn’t really sit right when what we believe and what we do don’t quite match up.”
This internal conflict isn’t just a nuisance—it’s a signpost. It’s your mind’s way of telling you that something needs to change. And while it can feel like a source of stress, it’s also a catalyst for growth and stronger relationships.
Real-Life Examples: How Dissonance Shows Up in Family Life
Let’s make this more relatable with a few examples:
Moving to a New Place: You’re excited about new opportunities but sad to leave friends behind. That mix of emotions is a classic case of internal conflict.
Work vs. Family: You want more family time but feel pressured to work longer hours. The guilt and frustration that follow are signs of cognitive dissonance.
Relationship Expectations: Maybe you believe your partner should be supportive, but their actions say otherwise. This clash can create a lot of emotional turmoil and impact your relationship satisfaction.
I often see this dynamic with my clients. One client, whom I’ll call Brinley, believed her husband was supportive, but his actions didn’t align with that belief. The dissonance created a lot of internal stress for her, but it also became a turning point for growth when she addressed it openly with her husband1.
Why Cognitive Dissonance Hurts—and Helps
So, why does this matter for personal and family fulfillment? Because when we ignore these internal conflicts, they can build up and lead to resentment, disconnection, and even bigger issues down the road. But when we face them head-on, we create opportunities for greater self-awareness, empathy, and alignment in our lives.
As psychologist Leon Festinger, who first identified cognitive dissonance, put it:
"The existence of dissonance, being psychologically uncomfortable, will motivate the person to try to reduce the dissonance and achieve consonance."
In other words, that discomfort is your mind’s way of nudging you toward harmony and authenticity.
How to Turn Dissonance Into Fulfillment
Here’s the good news: You don’t have to stay stuck in that uncomfortable place. With a little self-reflection, communication, and sometimes outside help, you can use cognitive dissonance as a springboard for positive change.
1. Notice the Discomfort
The first step is simply to notice when your beliefs and actions aren’t lining up. Maybe you value honesty but find yourself telling little white lies to avoid conflict. Or perhaps you want to be a present parent but get distracted by your phone during family time.
Take a moment to pause and acknowledge those feelings. As I shared in the podcast, “Notice those moments when you have that dissonance within yourself, that clash between your beliefs and your actions, and take a note of it and do some reflection.”
2. Reflect on the Why
Ask yourself: Why am I acting in a way that doesn’t match my values? Sometimes it’s about old habits, fear, or simply being overwhelmed. Journaling, audio journaling, or talking to a trusted friend can help you get to the root of the issue.
3. Communicate Openly
If the conflict involves someone else—like your partner or kids—open communication is key. Share your feelings without blame. For example, “I want to be more patient, but I’m finding it hard after stressful days. Can we talk about how we can support each other better?”
4. Make Small Adjustments
You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Small, consistent changes add up. Maybe you set aside your phone during family dinners or schedule regular check-ins with your partner to talk about expectations and needs.
5. Seek Support When Needed
Sometimes, working through cognitive dissonance requires outside help. Therapy isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign of wisdom and humility. As I mentioned in the episode, “You are not a failure if you’re seeking a third party for guidance and mentoring. That’s no different from sports coaching, food coaching, or personal training. It’s a sign of wisdom and humility.”
The Power of Alignment: When Change Happens
Let’s revisit Brinley’s story. By talking openly with her husband and rethinking her expectations, she was able to resolve her internal conflict. Their relationship grew stronger, and she gained deeper self-awareness. It didn’t mean all their problems disappeared, but it did mean they were both able to make course corrections and live more in alignment with their values.
"This is the heart of fulfillment - living in a way that feels true to who you are, even when it's hard."
The process is ongoing, and it requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to grow.
Famous Words to Inspire Your Journey
Sometimes, the right words can help us see things in a new light. Here are a few quotes that resonate with the journey toward alignment and fulfillment:
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
— Mahatma Gandhi
"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."
— Carl Jung
And from the podcast episode itself:
“Cognitive dissonance can cause stress, but it’s also a chance for growth, which is what I love. That is why I teach so much about positive psychotherapy and learn so much about it—because it can be something that can help us instead of being something that we fear.” -Kendra Nielson
Practical Tips for Parents: Creating Fulfillment at Home
If you’re a parent striving for more fulfillment and better mental health for your family, here are some actionable steps:
Model Alignment: Show your kids what it looks like to live according to your values. If you make a mistake, talk about it openly and discuss how you plan to do better next time.
Encourage Open Dialogue: Create a family culture where it’s safe to talk about uncomfortable feelings and conflicting beliefs. This builds trust and resilience.
Prioritize Self-Care: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Make time for your own mental wellness—whether that’s therapy, meditation, exercise, or simply taking a quiet moment for yourself.
Celebrate Progress: Change doesn’t happen overnight. Celebrate the small wins—like a calmer bedtime routine, a meaningful conversation, or a moment of patience when you might have lost your cool.
Stay Curious: Approach your own dissonance with curiosity instead of judgment. Ask yourself, “What is this feeling trying to teach me?” This mindset shift can turn discomfort into an opportunity for growth.
When Family Values Collide: Navigating Differences
It’s not just our own beliefs and actions that can clash—sometimes, family members have different values or expectations. Maybe one partner values independence while the other craves togetherness. Or perhaps your kids are developing their own opinions that don’t match yours.
These moments can be challenging, but they’re also opportunities for deeper understanding and connection. Setting healthy boundaries, practicing empathy, and being willing to adjust expectations can help bridge the gap.
As I often remind my clients,
"Sometimes change is positive, and sometimes it's about coping and making those course corrections."
The Fulfillment Therapy Approach: Growth Over Perfection
Here’s the truth: No one has it all figured out. We all experience moments when our actions and beliefs don’t align. What matters is how we respond to those moments.
At Fulfillment Therapy, we focus on growth over perfection. It’s about creating a life—and a family culture—that feels authentic, resilient, and connected. It’s about turning discomfort into a catalyst for positive change, both for ourselves and those we love.
Bringing It All Together: Your Path to Fulfillment
So, what does living your best life really mean? It’s not about never making mistakes or always having it together. It’s about noticing when things feel off, having the courage to face those feelings, and making intentional choices that bring you closer to your values.
The next time you catch yourself in that uncomfortable space—whether it’s telling a white lie, losing your patience, or feeling torn between work and family—pause. Reflect.
Reach out if you need support. And remember, every step you take toward alignment is a step toward greater fulfillment for you and your family.
As we wrap up, I invite you to see cognitive dissonance not as a sign of failure, but as a gentle nudge toward the life you truly want. Let’s keep growing together, one honest, imperfect step at a time.
Until next time,
Kendra Nielsen
P.S. If you’re ready to take the next step in your family’s mental health and fulfillment journey, check out our upcoming courses and resources at Fulfillment Therapy.
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
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