Navigating Sexual Intimacy in Midlife Marriages, with Dan Purcell
Reigniting Passion: How to Enhance Intimacy and Strengthen Your Marriage
As parents, we often find ourselves caught up in the chaos of responsibilities, leaving little time for our own needs and desires. We're constantly striving to be the best versions of ourselves for our children, but what about nurturing our own relationships?
Today, I want to share some insights from a recent conversation I had with Dan Purcell, founder of Get Your Marriage On, that might just transform the way you approach intimacy and connection in your marriage.
Let's face it: maintaining a vibrant and fulfilling relationship while raising a family can feel like an uphill battle. Between school runs, meal prep, and bedtime routines, it's easy to let our romantic lives take a backseat. But what if I told you that prioritizing your intimate connection could actually make you a better parent and a more energized, fulfilled individual?
Dan's journey from a shy, reserved individual to a passionate advocate for marital intimacy is not only inspiring but also relatable. Like many of us, he once viewed sex as a taboo topic, something not to be discussed openly. However, a pivotal conversation with a friend changed his perspective entirely, leading him to realize the profound impact a healthy sex life can have on all aspects of marriage.
"Once my wife and I really figured out our sex life, we really dialed it in, like everything in our life has just gotten better. The bond between us has become stronger, we're communicating better, we're parenting together better. Everything in life is so much better,"
Dan shared, recounting his friend's words that sparked his transformation.
This revelation resonates deeply with the struggles many parents face. We often put our children's needs first, neglecting our own relationships in the process. But what if nurturing our intimate connections could actually make us more present, more energized parents?
The Stages of Sexual Development in Marriage
Dan introduced an intriguing concept of three stages of sexual development in marriage, which can help us understand where we are and where we want to be:
Stage One: Black and White Thinking
This stage is characterized by rigid ideas of right and wrong when it comes to sex. It's a safety-oriented mindset, similar to how we teach young children about crossing the street. While it provides clear boundaries, it can limit exploration and growth in intimacy.
Stage Two: Group Think
At this stage, we become more concerned with what others think, especially our partner. While this can foster connection, it can also lead to conflicts when desires don't align.
Stage Three: Self-Definition and Togetherness
This is the goal - a balance between individual desires and mutual growth. It requires self-reflection, open communication, and a willingness to evolve together.
Moving towards Stage Three is key to creating a fulfilling intimate life while maintaining your identity as a parent. It's about finding that sweet spot where your needs matter just as much as your family's, allowing you to model healthy self-care and boundaries for your children.
Calming the Heck Down: A Path to Better Communication
One of the most valuable takeaways from my conversation with Dan was his emphasis on emotional regulation. He shared a simple yet powerful mantra: "Calm the heck down."
"The first step is to recognize that, oh no, this is happening. And it's not about who is right or who is wrong. It's what's good for the relationship here? And often it requires us to really calm down internally,"
Dan explained.
This advice is golden, not just for our intimate relationships, but for parenting and self-care as well. How often do we react impulsively to our children's behavior or our partner's words, only to regret it later? By learning to pause, breathe, and regulate our emotions, we can respond more thoughtfully and create a more harmonious family environment.
Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman echoes this sentiment:
"Marriages are much more likely to succeed when the couple experiences a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions whereas when the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages are more likely to end in divorce."
By calming down and approaching conflicts with a level head, we're more likely to have those positive interactions that strengthen our bonds.
Bridging the Libido Gap: A Common Challenge
One of the most common issues couples face, especially after having children, is mismatched libidos. Dan shared a personal story that many of us can relate to - feeling frustrated when our partner doesn't seem to prioritize intimacy the way we do.
His anecdote about taking over cooking duties for two weeks to free up time for his wife to read a book on sexuality highlights a crucial point: sometimes, our well-intentioned efforts can backfire if they come from a place of superiority or expectation.
"You can't make love to someone that thinks they're better than you. You can't love them back,"
Dan pointed out. This insight is profound, reminding us that true intimacy stems from equality and mutual respect.
For parents struggling with differing desires, the key isn't necessarily finding a perfect compromise, but rather creating an environment where both partners feel heard, valued, and equal. This might mean having honest conversations about barriers to intimacy - whether it's exhaustion from childcare, body image issues post-pregnancy, or simply feeling disconnected due to busy schedules.
Making Intimacy Fun and Playful
One of the most refreshing aspects of Dan's approach is his emphasis on fun and playfulness in the bedroom. As parents, we often carry the weight of responsibility on our shoulders, making it hard to let loose and be spontaneous. However, bringing a sense of play into our intimate lives can be incredibly rejuvenating.
Dan shared a hilarious example of playing "Minute to Win It: Bedroom Edition" with his wife, complete with bra-unclasping competitions and banana-orange rolling games. While these specific activities might not be everyone's cup of tea, the underlying message is clear: don't be afraid to be silly and have fun with your partner.
"Sex should be fun," Dan emphasized, "and it can be a great creative outlet."
This playful approach to intimacy can have far-reaching benefits. It can help reduce stress, increase bonding hormones like oxytocin, and even boost your energy levels - all of which can make you a more present and joyful parent.
Modeling Healthy Relationships for Our Children
While we might think we're shielding our children by keeping our romantic lives private, the truth is that they pick up on the energy between their parents. By nurturing a strong, loving relationship with your partner, you're actually setting a powerful example for your children about what healthy adult relationships look like.
Dan touched on this when he mentioned that his children are aware that he and his wife share a "secret" - their intimate life. While children don't need (and shouldn't have) details, knowing that their parents have a special bond can provide a sense of security and a model for their future relationships.
Practical Steps for Enhancing Intimacy
So, how can we put these insights into practice? Here are some actionable steps you can take to enhance intimacy in your marriage while balancing your role as a parent:
Schedule regular check-ins with your partner: Set aside time each week to discuss your relationship, including your intimate life. This shows that you prioritize your connection.
Practice emotional regulation: When conflicts arise, remember to "calm the heck down." Take a deep breath before responding, and approach discussions with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
Explore new ways to connect: Try new activities together, both in and out of the bedroom. This could be as simple as trying a new recipe together or as adventurous as taking a dance class.
Be playful: Don't be afraid to be silly with your partner. Laughter is a great way to relieve stress and build connection.
Prioritize self-care: Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. Taking care of your own needs will make you a better partner and parent.
Seek professional help if needed: If you're struggling to connect or communicate, don't hesitate to reach out to a couples therapist or intimacy coach.
Embracing a Fulfilling Life as Both Partner and Parent
As we wrap up, I want to circle back to where we started. Living your best life isn't about perfection or having it all figured out. It's about continual growth, open communication, and a willingness to prioritize what truly matters.
By focusing on enhancing intimacy and connection in your marriage, you're not taking away from your role as a parent. In fact, you're enriching it. You're modeling healthy relationships, self-care, and the importance of personal fulfillment for your children.
Remember, a fulfilled parent is a better parent. By nurturing your relationship with your partner, you're creating a ripple effect of positivity that extends to your entire family. So go ahead, have that heartfelt conversation with your spouse, plan that date night, or try something new in the bedroom. Your marriage - and your family - will thank you for it.
As Dan so beautifully put it,
"Can you bring a sense of like life and fun and that's, reminds you to that, not to take this aspect so seriously, or it has to have a certain outcome. It helps you forget about the outcome, and just remember to just enjoy each other."
Here's to enjoying each other, enjoying our children, and enjoying the beautiful, messy, wonderful journey of family life. You've got this!
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
Connect with Kendra:🤗
ALL LINKS → https://linktr.ee/fulfillmenttherapy
Website → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org
Contact → hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org
Instagram → @fulfillmenttherapy
Facebook Community → http://bit.ly/fulfillmenttherapy
Facebook Group → Private FB Group
Schedule 1:1 Coaching → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org/1-on-1-coaching
Chat → 1-986-910-5172 *text questions & topic requests
Phone
(986) 910-5172
