Dr. Wyatt & Marriage Resentments
Nurturing Your Marriage While Parenting: Expert Tips for Rekindling Love and Managing Resentment
As parents, we often find ourselves caught in the whirlwind of family life, juggling the needs of our children, our partners, and ourselves. It's easy to feel overwhelmed and lose sight of our own needs and desires. But what if I told you that it's possible to create a fulfilling family life while also nurturing your marriage and personal growth? In this article, we'll explore valuable insights from Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a couples therapist with nearly two decades of experience, on how to manage resentment, improve communication, and rekindle love in your relationship after having kids.
Understanding Resentment in Marriage
One of the biggest challenges couples face after having children is the buildup of resentment. Dr. Fisher identifies several common sources of resentment in marriages:
Communication issues
Lack of emotional intimacy
Decreased sexual intimacy
Conflicting parenting styles
Financial stress
In-law problems
Uneven distribution of household responsibilities
Feeling unheard or voiceless
At the core of these issues, Dr. Fisher points out that the biggest resentment often stems from unmet needs. He explains:
"I would say the biggest resentment is not having needs met."
This insight is crucial for parents who are struggling to balance their own needs with those of their family. It's a reminder that your needs matter just as much as everyone else's, and addressing them is essential for maintaining a healthy, fulfilling relationship and family life.
The REUNITE Tool: A Path to Healing Resentment
To help couples work through their resentments, Dr. Fisher has developed a powerful tool called REUNITE. This method provides a structured approach to addressing and resolving conflicts in a safe, productive manner. Here's how it works:
List resentment categories: Couples identify the areas where they feel resentment towards their partner.
Work through one resentment at a time: Using the REUNITE tool, partners address each issue systematically.
Feel heard and understood: The process allows both partners to express their feelings and have them acknowledged.
Take ownership and apologize: Partners are encouraged to take responsibility for their actions and offer sincere apologies.
Make amends and plan for change: The final step involves discussing and implementing changes to prevent future resentment.
Dr. Fisher emphasizes the importance of this process:
"Nothing goes well when there's active resentments. It's hard to feel like friends with someone you resent. It's hard to have intimacy with someone you resent."
By addressing resentments head-on, couples can clear the air and create a stronger foundation for their relationship. This, in turn, allows for more energy and enthusiasm in both their marriage and family life.
The Bullseye Question: Preventing Resentment Before It Takes Root
While resolving existing resentments is crucial, preventing new ones from forming is equally important. Dr. Fisher recommends a simple yet powerful tool called the Bullseye Question. This five-minute exercise, ideally practiced four or more times a week, involves asking your partner two questions:
What's one thing I did right today?
What's one thing I could have done better?
The first question encourages partners to look for the positive in each other, fostering appreciation and gratitude. Dr. Fisher suggests taking this a step further by reflecting on what the positive action says about your partner's character or traits.
The second question provides a safe space for partners to voice small frustrations before they escalate into larger issues. When receiving feedback, Dr. Fisher advises responding with a simple "Thank you for the feedback" and then privately considering the input in one of three ways:
As a fluke (circumstantial, not your fault)
As "all me" (something you need to work on)
As partially your responsibility (a mix of circumstances and areas for personal improvement)
This approach allows for open communication while maintaining a non-defensive stance, crucial for preventing the buildup of resentment.
The Diamond Model: Managing Conflict in the Heat of the Moment
Even with preventive measures in place, conflicts can still arise. Dr. Fisher introduces the Diamond Model as a way to handle heated moments effectively:
Recognize flooding: When emotions start to escalate, one partner calls out "flooded" to signal the need for a break.
Respect the boundary: Both partners agree to separate for 20 minutes to 24 hours to cool down.
Deflood individually: Each partner uses their preferred method to calm down (e.g., taking a walk, listening to music, or meditating).
Reconnect and resolve: Once calm, partners come back together and use the REUNITE tool to process the conflict.
This model provides a structured way to prevent damaging interactions during heightened emotional states and creates a safe path back to resolution.
Balancing Self-Care and Family Care: The One-Eye-In, One-Eye-Out Approach
One of the most valuable insights Dr. Fisher shares is the concept of being a "one-eye-in, one-eye-out" partner. This approach strikes a balance between self-awareness and consideration for your partner's needs. Dr. Fisher explains:
"The goal is to become one eye in, one eye out. That means tracking me and my needs and what my preferences are, while I'm also mindful of you and your preferences and your needs."
This balanced perspective is crucial for parents who want to model healthy self-care and boundaries while still prioritizing their family. It allows you to nurture your own gifts and talents alongside your children, showing them the importance of personal growth within the context of family life.
Practical Steps for Implementing These Strategies
Now that we've explored these powerful tools and concepts, let's look at some practical ways to incorporate them into your daily life:
Schedule regular check-ins: Set aside time each week to practice the Bullseye Question with your partner.
Create a "flooded" signal: Agree on a word or gesture that either partner can use to indicate the need for a cool-down period during conflicts.
Develop individual "deflooding" routines: Identify activities that help you calm down and regain emotional balance.
Practice self-reflection: Regularly assess your own needs and how well you're balancing them with your family's needs.
Model healthy boundaries: Show your children how to respect personal space and individual needs within the family unit.
Celebrate personal growth: Encourage and support each family member's pursuits and achievements, including your own.
Seek professional help when needed: Don't hesitate to consult a couples therapist if you're struggling to implement these strategies on your own.
The Ripple Effect of a Healthy Marriage
Investing in your marriage isn't just about improving your relationship with your partner—it has far-reaching effects on your entire family dynamic. As you work through resentments, improve communication, and balance individual and family needs, you're creating a more positive, fulfilling environment for everyone.
Your children benefit from seeing a healthy, loving relationship modeled before them. They learn valuable lessons about communication, conflict resolution, and the importance of self-care. Moreover, by taking care of your own needs and nurturing your relationship with your partner, you're better equipped to meet the emotional needs of your children.
As the famous family therapist Virginia Satir once said:
"The family is a microcosm. By understanding it, we can understand the world."
By creating a harmonious family life, you're not only improving your immediate environment but also contributing to a more positive society as a whole.
Conclusion: Your Journey to a More Fulfilling Family Life
Navigating marriage and parenthood is no small feat, but with the right tools and mindset, it's possible to create a deeply satisfying and energizing family life. By addressing resentments head-on, practicing open communication, managing conflicts effectively, and balancing individual and family needs, you can rekindle the love in your marriage and model healthy relationships for your children.
Remember, this is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you implement these strategies. Celebrate small victories and learn from setbacks. Most importantly, keep in mind that by prioritizing your marriage and your own needs, you're not taking away from your family—you're enriching it.
As you move forward, keep Dr. Fisher's wisdom in mind:
"Marriage is learning how to live effectively with two opposing sets of needs. If you can continually try to be more mindful of my needs and your needs and how you can make decisions that are going to honor both, you're becoming a more effective partner and that's all you can control."
By embracing this balanced approach, you're setting the stage for a more fulfilling, energized, and joyful family life. So take that first step today—whether it's asking the Bullseye Question or scheduling time for self-care—and watch as positive changes ripple through your marriage and family.
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
*Listen to our podcast episode 175 | Dr. Wyatt & Marriage Resentments
Connect with Kendra:🤗
ALL LINKS → https://linktr.ee/fulfillmenttherapy
Website → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org
Contact → hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org
Instagram → @fulfillmenttherapy
Facebook Community → http://bit.ly/fulfillmenttherapy
Facebook Group → Private FB Group
Schedule 1:1 Coaching → https://fulfillmenttherapy.org/1-on-1-coaching
Chat → 1-986-910-5172 *text questions & topic requests
Phone
(986) 910-5172
