“When children push against limits, they're asking for connection and reassurance that we're still there for them, even as they try to push us away.” - Dr. Laura Markham
Hi Friend!
As a therapist, I'm not immune to power struggles with my teens or tweens, and it's been a real battle as a parent because this is truly something that needs to be hit from different angles again and again. So join us today for this journey towards stronger relationships and smoother navigation of those family dynamics.
I thought that once I became a therapist, parenting would be so much simpler, but sadly that is not the case. I have one child in particular who has power struggles that flare up every few weeks. This child has always been a little harder, but I know they were sent to me to help me be refined, reminding me that there are so many personalities in this world, and they are all needed and very important.
Now that being said, power struggles suck. I apologize if you don't like that language, but that's how I feel. I hate disciplining. I hate disconnection. I hate having to be firm. It's hard to sit in that space where they dislike you when you're upholding a boundary. Even when I calmly explain and feel like I'm on my A-game, it's still so hard. They say they don't understand why, they get very angry, they react, and they push back. It’s difficult. It doesn't help that their brains are not fully developed, they don't have emotional regulation, and they know how to throw barbs that really hurt. And they want to fight with you, doing everything they can to get you to respond and react.
Navigating these power struggles with teenagers and tweens can be one of the most challenging parts of parenting. As parents, it's important to find a balance between maintaining that authority and fostering healthy connections with our children.
"The more inflexible you are as a parent, the more oppositional your child is likely to become." - Dr. Ross Green
Communication is key in navigating those power struggles. Dr. Dan Siegel, a famous psychiatrist, suggests that we validate our teens' feelings and perspectives while calmly asserting our own boundaries. This reduces the likelihood of escalation and helps us recognize when our children might not be in a place to hear us right now, allowing us to revisit the issue later when the timing is better.
Take the time to listen to their perspective without judgment and without interruption. Get off your pedestal, stop lecturing, and refrain from giving advice unless they ask for it.
Make sure there is regular one-on-one time, not just for talking about issues, but to connect and have time together. Engage in activities they enjoy, even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone.
To manage power struggles effectively, you need to be clear and consistent in your boundaries. Dr. Ross Green, a clinical psychologist, advocates for collaborative problem solving. Involve your teens in the process of setting expectations and consequences. This empowers them to take ownership of their behavior while reinforcing your authority as a parent.
Follow through on established boundaries and consequences consistently to maintain trust and credibility. Reevaluate these boundaries together with your spouse if necessary, but don’t change them in the moment just because your child is pushing back.
Firm boundaries are important, but flexibility and compromise play a role in managing power struggles well. Dr. Folly Sarsberry suggests finding opportunities for negotiation and compromise. Allow teens to have a voice in decision-making while still upholding parental authority. This promotes autonomy and independence while preserving the parent-child relationship.
How do you know if you're being too controlling? One indication is a lack of flexibility or openness to your child's input or desires. If you consistently impose your will without considering their perspective, it might indicate excessive control, which can lead to resistance and resentment. Additionally, relying on fear or coercion to enforce compliance wears down trust and damages the relationship.
Navigating power struggles with teens and tweens requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to maintaining a strong connection. By understanding these dynamics, communicating effectively, setting clear expectations, and embracing compromise and flexibility, you can navigate these challenges while strengthening your relationship with your children.
With dedication and perseverance, power struggles can become opportunities for growth and connection instead of conflict and tension. This is what we are all seeking for in our parenting journeys. Thank you for joining us today on Fulfillment Therapy and exploring how we can connect better with our teens and tweens.
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for listening and as always, shine boldly and brightly, my friend!🎇
*Want to know how to better parent your teens? Check out our episode below!
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